So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 39

From the outside I looked normal. I got up in the morning and got myself dressed, I responded when spoken to, I smiled when someone made a joke. I did my job, and no one on stage and no one in the audience could tell that I was just barely functioning at all times. I would have thought it would be easier this time, now that I was such an expert at having my life obliterated by James Alan Hetfield, but clearly I was still a novice because I hurt. I hurt all the time. Not the agony of his first betrayal, I'd been blindsided then and young. But even older and wiser I couldn't avoid the pain, as familiar as it was. Those closest to me understood what I was going though and gave me all the space and support I needed. Even Lars and Kirk would come and check on me, though their sorrowful expressions were almost more than I could bare. And from James there was nothing. Which is what I'd asked for. Somehow though it just made the hurt that much more profound.

After New Orleans, the next handful of shows and travel were a blur, with one day bleeding into the next. By the time we arrived in Boston a day before we were set to perform, I knew I had to get out of the hotel and away from everything that reminded me of him. I'd always wanted to walk the Freedom Trail but was never in town long enough to do it, so I grabbed a map and informational pamphlet from the lobby of the hotel and set out to occupy my mind with something educational, and most of all, James free. 

I was standing in front of the Old State House, the site of the Boston Massacre, when I heard a familiar voice behind me. "Hey sunshine."

Swinging around quickly, I found Kirk standing behind me with a huge smile on his face.

"Hey, what are you doin' here?" I smiled back, genuinely glad to see him as I gave him a warm hug. "I thought you guys had sound check today."

He shrugged off-handedly. "Later on. I figured I'd come check out some of the cool old shit." He saw my eyes dart around behind him. "The rest of the guys are doin' some press, I'm on my own," he assured me. I let out a breath at that and he cocked his head. "You wanna go grab a bite? I'm starving."

I had intended to spend the day alone and mope, but hanging with a friend seemed like a much better use of my time. Linking my arm through Kirk's, we wandered until we found a café that looked good. Ducking inside, since Kirk already attracted too much attention, we found a booth where he could sit with his back to the front door. After perusing the menu and giving our order to the waiter, we got caught up in conversation, mostly filling each other in on the six years we hadn't seen each other. 

Kirk talked about the meteoric rise of the band and the hit it had taken to his marriage. I didn't even know he'd gotten married, but I listened with empathy as he talked about how hard it was to sustain a relationship while on the road. "It...it was hard to keep up with these two completely different worlds ya know?" Kirk shook his head sadly. "I'd be out there travelin' with all these temptations, but I didn't give in...at first. I was committed to her and our relationship, I wanted it to work, but it didn't matter to Becca. She always assumed I was fuckin' around on tour and we started spending more and more time fighting about it. I got wind that she was messin' around, so I figured, screw it, if she's fuckin' around when I'm not, then I might as well fuck around too. I know it was shitty reasoning, but the writing was on the wall ya know? It wasn't working for either of us and neither of us were that interested in fightin' to hold on."

Reaching out across the table, I squeezed his hand sympathetically. "I'm sorry Kirk. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you."

He shot me a wry smile. "Yeah well, I guess it's not that surprising. Just another relationship death-by-rock-'n-roll sob story." I managed to keep my face neutral, but my eyes darkened with pain and Kirk caught it before I could look away. "Aw shit Lei, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad—"