So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 4

The realization that the only way to fall out of love with Jamie was to remove him from my life entirely, became a constant misery in the deepest recesses of my mind. At some point, my mantra changed from how can I get over him, to how can I walk away from him. It killed me every time to think it, since in reality, it was twice the heartbreak. I had to knowingly leave the guy I loved and my best friend; how was I going to survive that? I didn't have an answer, and every time I tried to think about it, I'd get overcome with emotion, so I shoved it away as much as possible but it was always there. I wondered though, what would it take, how far would I have to be pushed to finally make the break?

A month after I'd come down for the band's first show, I was driving back down to L.A. with Kelly for spring break. She was heading to Hawaii with her family, so I dropped her off first and then headed further south to Downey. I stayed home that first night and had a proper family dinner, since the next day I was leaving for a spring break road trip with James and some friends. It was actually really nice to hang out with my parents and Robbie, and we had some good quality bonding time. It's funny how quickly you start to appreciate your parents after you spend your first few months on your own. Not just free meals and laundry, but the support and unconditional love that you depend on more than you realize when you live at home. It made me understand Jamie's hurt and fears even more knowing that what I had was a blessing, when he didn't have a mom or dad supporting, loving and protecting him. That had become my role. What would happen if I had to leave him too? How could I do that to him?

By the time James and the rest of our friends showed up the next day, I had, at least for the moment, effectively blocked out all troubling thoughts and worries, determined just to be carefree and have fun. Our buddy Jim had borrowed a van from his job, and we were somehow able to fit eight of us and our stuff. Aside from James, Jim and me, we had Hugh, Ron, Lars, Jim's girlfriend Melissa, and another buddy from James' Downey High football days, Mike. Fortunately, Dave had work commitments and couldn't join us. Not so secretively I was glad; I didn't want to spend the next five days dealing with his come-ons and innuendos. As it was, we had a great group and everyone was keyed up to get out of town and cut loose. It was a six hour drive, so some of the guys took turns driving while the rest of us were squished in the back. We didn't mind though as most of us were good friends from our high school and even middle school days. Jim and Melissa had been together since junior year, and she was one of the few girls from my old school who I actually liked. She was soft spoken and sweet, not a mean bone in her body. After spending so much time with Kelly, I was actually really glad to have another girl on the trip. The boys could get tiring after a while, so having another female to commiserate with was great. Already the boys were getting a little raunchy, and she and I gave each other looks, rolling our eyes at their show of machismo.

"I don't know about you jokers," Lars was boasting, "but I'm gonna bag so many chicks on this trip, my dick's gonna fall off." 

"It won't have far to fall," James shot back with a smirk.

"Fuck off!" Lars narrowed his eyes, but the smile on his face took the sting out of his words.

"I'm gonna bag so many chicks"—Mike joined in from the back row—"they're gonna rename the country to Mike-ixo."

It was a terrible pun, but we all laughed anyway.

"So bad." Hugh was groaning. "Ok, I'm gonna bag so many chicks, that nine months from now, yer gonna see a global population explosion."

"Oh no," I moaned. "A bunch of tiny little Hughes runnin' around, lord have mercy."

Jamie was taking his turn driving and caught my eye in the rearview mirror and grinned.