So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 28

Joe kept shooting me worried looks, I could see it peripherally as he drove me and Maria to her place in Jersey. All I could do was stare at the other cars on the Long Island Expressway, their red taillights illuminating and extinguishing in the traffic, heavy even this late at night. I knew there was something poetic about those red lights flashing and my current state of mind, but I couldn't muster the energy to lyricize the moment, I was still reeling and raw from my fight with James. Or whatever you want to call it. I couldn't even say it was a fight, because that would suppose I had any understanding of the argument. But I didn't. Instead, I was unbelievably confused and lost at why he'd behaved the way he had. What the hell was Jamie doing to me? Why was he treating me like this?

After I walked out of that horrible scene with James, Maria had gotten me out of the building and onto the band tour bus before I completely lost it. But I didn't even really cry, because honestly, I still had no idea what I would have been crying for. Danielle? Graham's attack? Jamie? It was all a mass of confusion swirling in my head and I couldn't make any sense of it.

We stayed on the bus for some time until Kirk came onboard, his eyes finding me immediately. He must have read the panic on my face. "Cliff walked James back to the hotel a while ago," he assured me quickly.

"What about the...the guy?"

"Tour management came and dealt with it. Turns out he's a friend of Ozzy's crowd and notorious for pulling shit like this." Kirk shook his head in disgust. "Can't believe they let that asshole get away with this crap."

"Will charges be pressed against James?"

He shook his head, his eyes softening sympathetically. "No. There were plenty of people who saw him harassing you earlier. Plus, even though it pisses Ozzy off to admit it, he can't afford to lose us as his opening band."

I nodded at his words, unsettled at how relieved I was that Jamie wasn't going to be arrested. Damn it, he didn't deserve my concern.

"He...he told me to leave. J...Jamie...he doesn't want me here." New tears rolled down my cheeks. "Maybe...maybe it's that Danielle—"

"Oh hell no!" Kirk protested quickly. "There's no fuckin' way he's pullin' this shit so that he can be with that chick."

Maria was nodding in agreement. "Yeah, no way in hell is this about her. When I went back to get my purse earlier, I saw that James was still sitting there. But the bitch was off him; she was sulking nearby and shooting him dirty looks like he'd pissed her off. He saw me and came right over and asked where you were. He looked"—she paused, her face troubled—"he looked so sad. Like his heart was breaking right there in front of me. Considering he brought it all on himself, it seemed awfully strange for him to be so torn up like that." She let out a breath and continued, "Anyway, he asked me where you were and of course I said something bitchy back, but he ignored me and I gave in and told him you were waiting for me in the lounge. I mentioned that I needed to get to you right away cuz you were really upset over what he'd done, and then I told him too that some guy was creepin' on you and you were freaked out. He was out of that room like a shot Lei. Like he knew something was wrong and he was coming for you."

Frustration and pain swelled in my chest. "None of this makes any fuckin' sense then! He loves me more than anything, but he let that slut rub all over him like I wasn't fuckin' standing right there! He comes like a bat outta hell to save me, and then tells me to get the fuck out. Has he lost his mind? Have I lost mine for puttin' up with it?" My rant was over as I took a deep breath then, my voice quieting. "I used to know without a doubt that James loved me more than anything. Now, I don't know what to believe."