So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 12

I woke up with the unsettling feeling of being watched. It took a moment to remember my unexpected middle of the night visitor, and slowly I opened my eyes to find Jamie staring at me, his face a disquieting mix of tenderness and anxiety. 

"What are you doin'?" I whispered, my voice still scratchy from sleep.

"Memorizing yer face."

"Why?"

"In case...in case you decide I fucked up too bad and we're no longer friends."

"Is that what I should do?"

His face crumpled.

"I'd deserve it if you never spoke to me again."

With a sudden punch to the gut, I realized he was handing me the very opportunity I needed to end our friendship. I could tell him right there that I couldn't get pass what had happened and that would be it. Instantly my body went ice cold as every part of me silently screamed in protest. I wasn't ready to end things. If I was honest with myself, I was never going to be ready, but I would be the biggest kind of asshole to make him take the fall for my feelings. When the time came, I'd have to look him in the eyes and tell him the truth.

"What...what would that say about our friendship if one argument destroyed it?" I asked quietly.

He looked away, but I still caught the shame coloring his cheeks.

"But I said some jacked up shit Lei that you didn't deserve. This went beyond a simple argument."

I frowned as his angry words came back to me. "So why did you say those things? The alcohol can only be blamed for so much."

His eyes dimmed for a moment, and he wouldn't look at me when he spoke. "I didn't like seein' ya out there like that, and knowin' what Dave and all those other guys were thinkin'."

"Why would that even bother you?"

He didn't answer right away, instead he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Finally, he turned his head to look at me.

"Because...because it's my job to protect you."

"Yer job...since when?"

"Since always. I've always looked out for you. When some punk kid in junior high tried to mess with you, or like that asshole Eric Vanderwhelen in high school; Sophomore year he started some rumor that he took yer virginity in the backseat of his car on homecoming—"

"Wait, what? I barely spoke to the guy much less ever let him touch me."

"I know, that's why I kicked the shit out of him and forced him to take back the lie to everyone he told."

"That's why he had that black eye and would never look me in the face?"

"I told him that if he or anyone else talked shit like that about you again, I'd fuck him up worse, and this time I'd bring the football team with me."

"Y...you did that for me?"

He turned back to look up at the ceiling, but I could see his jaw clench tight.

"I'm not blind Leila, I see the way that guys look at you...the way they've always looked at you. I also knew you weren't comfortable with the attention, so I tried to shield you as much as I could."

I stared at his profile, stunned. "I never knew."

His lips stretched into a wan smile. "Well, that would've been an awkward as fuck conversation now wouldn't it have?"