So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 24

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1986

I thought everything would go back to normal after Jamie came home, but I was wrong. He still wasn't himself, not like before the attack. At first it wasn't that obvious, just a feeling of unease at the back of my mind. He talked and walked like Jamie, but something was definitely off. Then it became more noticeable. He didn't smile as easily, he avoided eye contact, he evaded conversations about deeper things and about our future. Little by little, he was retreating from me.

At first I tried to chalk it up to his hectic schedule. He was away a lot, going to L.A. to mix the new album and add in more vocals and guitar since he'd left Copenhagen early to be with me. I thought maybe he'd ask me to come with, but he didn't. In fact, he didn't share with me any of the creative process for the Master of Puppets album at all. Unlike the other two albums, when he was constantly running  lyrics and riffs by me, this time he essentially shut me out. He'd mutter something about adding more depth to the sound and wanting the finished results to be perfect, but he never played me anything, never asked for my feedback or opinion. When I did finally hear bits of the finished record, I wasn't surprised to find it much darker and more menacing than their previous stuff. Somehow it seemed to reflect the ominous tone that was seeping into our relationship.

Just as the album wrapped, James decided to start up a side music project with Cliff, Kirk, and some other musician friends, called Spastik Children. He said it was just an excuse to get together, drink, and act like idiots, but it felt more like an excuse to spend time away from me. He'd be gone two or three nights a week, and often wouldn't come home until the next day. As much as I felt hurt by the distance he was creating, at least I knew where he was on those nights; it was the times I would wake up in the middle of the night and reach for him, only to find the bed next to me empty, those were the nights that had me the most worried. Most times he'd come home piss drunk. Sometimes he'd come home bruised and bloodied but refusing to tell me why.

I did know he wasn't cheating. Whatever was going on with him, I knew with my whole heart he'd never do that. Especially since the one thing that hadn't changed was the frequency and intensity of our love making. Somehow, all the invisible walls came down, and in those moments, we were as connected as we'd ever been. Though sometimes I'd sense almost a bit of desperation in Jamie's lovemaking and in the way he'd hold me afterwards, as if, if he let me go, I'd never feel his arms around me again.

Clearly he had things to work out, and as much as I wanted him to come to me to work through it, I had to give him space. It was entirely reasonable that he didn't want to burden me since I was still working though my own demons, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I loved him more than anything, how could I do anything less?

In the midst of this strange limbo we were in, the band was offered an amazing opportunity to promote their new album by becoming the opening act for Ozzy Osbourne on his latest tour. I was thrilled for them of course and excited at the prospect of spending some quality time on the road; maybe it was exactly what we needed to get back to the way things used to be. Rehearsals started cranking up and I could see that James was pushing himself hard, coming home exhausted while still keeping up with his other extracurricular activities and the late night drinking expeditions. Just when I wondered how much thinner he and our relationship could be stretched, he announced that he'd booked us a trip to the Bahamas. Actually, it was us, Lars, and a few friends, but the point was, we were going away to relax, and I hoped, find our way back to how things used to be.

~

It took a full day to get to the Bahamas; including a long flight from San Francisco to Miami and then a two hour layover until the puddle jumper that would take us to Nassau. As we flew in low over the Caribbean, I looked out over the clear aquamarine waters as the last rays of sun sparkled and shimmered over the tops of the waves. It was breathtaking. Jamie leaned in close to see what had caught my attention, his fingers never faltering as they caressed back and forth along the inside of my right thigh. He'd been touching me non-stop since we'd left Miami, and I was jumping out of my skin with the need to get him alone.