So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 47

For those of you who are fanatic about details, please forgive me for making some adjustments to GNR's 1992 tour calendar.
;-D

I stared at the front door that James had stormed out of moments before, my body and brain going numb. What just happened? How could James think I'd ever been in love with anyone but him?

You've made assumptions too Leila. Why would you think that James was any less vulnerable to being hurt?

Jolted out of my dazed state, I went for the door. Rushing outside, I was beyond relieved to see that the rental car was still parked in front. Running out into the street, I looked in either direction but James was nowhere to be found. I shouted for him and waited, but still nothing. Feeling helpless, I made my way back into the house and sank down onto the sofa.

Huddled on the couch, I felt my heart aching. "Please baby, come back," I whispered as I drew my knees up and buried my face into my legs, "come back."

I heard a sound then close by, and raised my head to see James standing in the open doorway, his face in shadows.

"Jamie." My throat felt thick.

"I only went a couple blocks before turnin' right back around." He stepped into the room then, the misery on his face easy to read in the late afternoon light coming through the windows. "I shoulda never left like that, we promised each other we wouldn't run."

I swallowed hard as I tried to get my voice to work. "Are...are you still mad?"

He shook his head. "Just at myself...for goin' off on you like that." He grimaced then as he ran a hand through his hair and took a step closer. "I...I wasn't prepared for how hard that was gonna hit me. Bein' here...seein' you with him lookin' so happy..." He took another step. "I'm sorry Leila, I had no right reactin' like that. It was a dick thing to do. Please—"

He didn't finish his apology though, because I jumped up from the couch and threw my arms around him. He snatched me close and held me tight against him and I could feel that he was trembling. His face was buried into my neck, but I could hear him whispering my name like a mantra and I wanted to cry at the fear in his voice.

"Jamie," I murmured, "talk to me, tell me what's going on."

He nodded and allowed me to lead us both back to the sofa. Sitting down, his attention was immediately drawn to the photo album where he'd dropped it on the table, and I waited quietly for him to say something.

"I was scared to come here," he finally started in softly, "I imagine like how you felt about comin' to my place. It hit me though, this is where you lived yer life when we didn't know each other, and I was afraid that you'd come here and realize that you'd made a mistake allowing me back in." 

I was tempted to interrupt and assure him he was wrong, but instead, I reached out and took his hand. He wrapped his fingers around mine but kept his gaze on the scrapbook.

"I tried to not think about...about that guy and you...here. I didn't wanna let jealousy make me do or say something stupid..." He caught himself then and shook his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I know, too late. Anyway, I convinced myself that even though you were...with him"—he swallowed hard—"he never had yer heart, that I was the only man you'd ever had those kinda feelings for." He nodded towards the book. "Seein' that picture though, it fuckin' hit me that I'd been wrong to assume that, and it hurt so fuckin' much Lei." He looked at me then, his eyes dark with pain. "It's killin' me knowin' you felt that way about someone else...even though I have no fuckin' right to be mad or hurt. It's what I said I wanted for you right? I wanted you to leave me behind and find some great guy who was worthy of you and who'd love you like you deserved." He stopped and exhaled hard. "I know I can't have it both ways. I can't push ya away to make a different life without me, and then get angry that you made a life without me." His eyes were haunted as he looked at me. "But how do I make the hurt stop Lei? How do I stop from feelin' like my insides are bein' ripped out?"