So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 15

I underestimated how badly James felt about what happened. He barely looked at me the rest of the morning and came up with some half-assed excuse for heading back to L.A. earlier than he had originally planned. There was no hug, no sweet moment of goodbye, instead, he practically dragged Lars to the car while I watched, not even trying to hide the hurt on my face. There was one moment though, right as he was about to put the car in gear and drive away, his eyes sought mine and I could see the regret there. Was it because he blamed himself for things almost going too far, or did he feel remorse for things not going far enough? The dark emotion that I saw deep in his eyes....was it shame or longing?

The next month passed and I barely noticed. I wasn't sleeping well, haunted by vividly sexual dreams that always had me waking up in a sweat, my heart pounding and my arms reaching out to bring my dream Jamie back. Then I would curl up and cry. Kelly knew something had gone down but I hadn't told her what; I wasn't ready to share my intimate moment with Jamie, the memory was still too raw and far too confusing.

Of course the only one I really wanted to talk to was James, but he wasn't taking my calls. Even a year ago, after we'd shared a bed that first time and things had been awkward, at least then there was still some communication, but now there was nothing. I'd call, but I'd either get the machine or Ron, and James was conveniently never home and never returned my messages. My heart was aching every moment of every day. How could he just abandon me like this? Didn't I matter at all?

By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I was seriously considering staying in Berkeley and avoiding the holiday all together. I wasn't good company for anyone, and honestly, I didn't know if I trusted myself enough to be that close to Jamie and not do something stupid. If he wanted to shut me out of his life, what choice did I have? Was I supposed to beg him to let me back in? There was also another part of me though that was too angry and hurt at the way he was shutting me out to make the first move. As usual, I was stuck.

In the end, Kelly convinced me to go home, and I was actually glad she did once I was walked in the door of my parents' house. My dad was still at work and Robbie was out with friends, but I found my mom in the kitchen making pies for the next day. One look at my face and she wrapped me up tight in her arms and I just lost it. She held me for a long time, letting me cry it all out until I was exhausted. Thankfully she didn't press me for details, and she and the rest of my family never brought up James' name the rest of the time I was home.

Of course he was on my mind constantly anyway. Everywhere I looked was a reminder of him, and I thought, for a fleeting moment, that he would show up on Thanksgiving Day like he always did; watching football with my dad and Robbie, serving himself a third plateful of potatoes, and helping me wash dishes while we blasted the radio. He never showed, and though I shouldn't have been surprised, somehow it still added to my hurt.

When my phone rang the next afternoon, I didn't even have to answer it to know it wouldn't be him. I was right, it was Kelly.

"Hi sweetie, how ya holdin' up?"

"I'm ok," I answered quietly, though I knew I didn't sound very convincing. "You were right, it's good to be with my family. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?"

"Oh god, I ate so much, I'm not gonna eat again 'til Christmas. Which I would totally need to do to lose all the weight I just gained in one day."

"Please. Yer just right exactly the way you are."

"Aww, thanks Lei." There was a long pause, before Kel finally spoke again. "I saw James today, when I went to visit Ron before they headed back up to the Bay Area for those couple shows they'd booked. I know you haven't wanted to talk about what happened, but I can tell ya, that boy is insanely miserable right now."