So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 7

Back to June 1982

I hadn't seen James since that trip to Mexico almost two months ago. I'd gone back to school, and between finals, band gigs, and arranging housing for the next year, I'd only just made it back to Southern California the previous day, and this was the first I'd seen him. Watching him now, I could feel my stomach clench and breath catch. You'd think that would have faded, but my body still involuntarily reacted. Every...damn...time.

"Is...is that him?"

Kelly's question finally brought me back to the present and I nodded, even though her eyes were still glued to the chaos in front of us.

"Yeah, that's Jamie on lead vocals."

"This is totally not what I was expecting."

I grinned wide at that.

"That's part of Metallica's charm. They take what you think you know about metal and then, as they like to say, take their version and shove it up yer ass."

"Very charming."

We looked at each other and started laughing. I was gratified to see that Kelly was rolling with it, despite her initial uneasiness.

Finding a bar at the rear of the room, we hopped up on a couple stools and ordered beers. Leaning back against the bar, we watched the band pound out a high energy set, whipping the crowd into an even higher state of adrenalized fervor. I'd occasionally glance over at Kelly, whose eyes were permanently wide and unblinking. Mostly though, I was focused on Jamie. Over the last year I'd only seen him every few months, and it seemed like every time he had gotten taller, his hair longer, and he'd pack on just a little more muscle. Little by little he was becoming the front man he half wanted and half feared. It scared me too knowing the attention it would bring him from girls who were attracted to musicians. James was still incredibly shy, but between the drinking and getting more comfortable performing in front of crowds, that shyness was no longer going to be the barrier that kept him from saying yes to what was being offered.

"Hey, are you OK?"

I could hear the worry in Kelly's voice, and I felt a little better knowing I had someone in my corner.

"Yeah. Just facing reality. Again."

She knew better than to try and cheer me up, since there wasn't really anything she or anyone else could say. I was the only one who was going to be able to pull myself out of this hole, but I wasn't ready yet. I still had hope, as faint as it was. Mexico had left me confused. There had been those moments where I had seen something in Jamie's eyes that I'd never seen before. Was it lust, was it love, or, was it nothing more than just wishful thinking on my part? It had certainly felt like something; the energy between us had felt stronger, deeper, and each time I'd been left breathless. He had seemed affected too. I guess I would find out soon enough if this "something" was real or imagined.

The distinctive rat-tat-tat-tat beat of Am I Evil started in, and I saw James stare out into the crowd as if he was looking for someone. Forcing my melancholy away, I grabbed my beer and nudged Kelly to follow me. We made our way cautiously towards the side of the stage, narrowly avoiding the thrashing bodies, fists pumping, and even worse, the sweaty and eager come-ons from the guys in the audience. By the time they had finished the intro, we made it close enough for Jamie to see me from the stage. Our eyes met, and his mouth stretched into a wide grin matched by mine.

"Crap, that guy could melt steel with that smile," Kelly shouted over the music.

I sighed in agreement. "Yeah, tell me about it."