So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 45

I sat lost in thought staring out at the city skyline in the distance, vaguely aware that the sun was dropping lower in the sky. I could feel James watching me as he waited for my answer. Dragging my eyes back to him, I felt the force of his gaze and my palms got sweaty as nerves began to put a choke-hold on the courage I was trying to drum up. 

Clearly I wasn't doing a good job of hiding my apprehension, because his face softened and his lips spread into a tender smile. "All you hafta do is say yes Leila, we can figure the rest of it out as we go." His smile faltered then. "I'll understand if it's a no though, I get that I'm askin' a lot. We can come up with something different, whatever you—"

"Yes," I blurted out quickly, interrupting him.

He stopped abruptly, his expression going blank for a moment. Then I watched as the corners of his mouth started to twitch a little, as if he was fighting off the urge to smile. Cocking his head to one side, he lost the battle as a huge grin spread across his face and into his eyes. "You mean it?" His voice was hoarse with emotion, and for that moment, I knew I'd made the right decision.

"Yeah," I answered softly, my own throat tight, "let's start over."

His grin got even wider as he nodded his head excitedly. "Yes!" he half shouted, and then caught himself and blushed adorably. "You mean it baby?" He reached over and took my hand in his. "You really wanna try this with me?"

"You...you were right when you said we can't go back. And I can't keep comparing you and me to what we had when we were kids. Too much has happened and we'd never get anywhere if we kept expecting things to be the same." I looked down then. "It doesn't mean though that I'm ok with everything...it still hurts."

Reaching out, he put a finger under my chin and gently nudged my eyes back to his. "I know this ain't a fix-all Lei. I get that there's a lot of hurt that has to heal, that it'll take time. I know we'll have a lot of good days, but sometimes we'll have some not so good days, days when that hurt comes back strong and it's hard to look past it. But I won't ever tell ya yer wrong for feelin' it. You can yell at me, tell me I'm a raging asshole, throw shit at me...whatever you need to do to...I'll take it all."

He was so earnest, so sincere, and his words held an insight of my emotional needs that left me shaken. "I...I forgot how well you know me," I murmured as I stared at him.

"Two halves of a whole Lei," he reminded me quietly.

The pureness of that statement moved me and we both smiled, appreciating the moment.

He seemed to catch himself then though, and the smile faded as his face darkened with sorrow. "Still, I know I let ya down. Even as much as we've always been connected, I still chose to ignore that voice in my head that was tellin' me I was wrong to push you away. I...I know it's one of the things I have to prove to you again, that I do know you, that I know what's in yer heart."

"You're my heart Jamie." The words slipped out unintentionally. 

Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to say—given that we had just agreed to essentially start over—but I didn't regret them as I watched the frown on his face melt away. Capturing my hands, he brought them close, placing a kiss on each palm gently. 

My eyes widened at the feel of his lips on my skin, a tingling rush that filled me with a familiar longing. "You're awfully bold, especially for a first date," I choked out, resisting the urge to give him more parts of my body to kiss.

Looking up he caught my gaze, and his eyes turned to a stormy blue. Deliberately, he brought my left hand to his lips again, his eyes never leaving mine as he breathed against the skin for a moment, hot heated breath making my body flush and tremble with desire. Almost painfully slow, his lips pressed against my palm, lingering for breathless moments as I closed my eyes in pleasure. The hissing sound of him drawing a sharp breath caused my eyes to reopen quickly. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, and I could see that he was just as aroused as me. Laying my hands back down, he placed his hands next to mine, flat on the tabletop, and I watched as he flexed and stretched his fingers; it was pretty clear he was trying to keep his hands from reaching for more.