When I look at you

Chapter 22: the addiction

ARIAS POV:
I couldn't talk to sam. I couldn't look him straight in the eyes until I did.when I looked up my heart broke. Realizing all I've risked I couldn't explain what was happening. I decided I need a drink. I got up to finding my dads vodka. I picked up that bottle and memories rushed back to me. The day my dad walked out and didn't come back for three years and how my mom drank so much, so much of this until the point I didn't think she'd make it. She did for three years until he walked back in that door. Suddenly I found myself in my moms position. I found my self now not pouring glasses but drinking from the bottle to ease the pain but it was still there. Sam rushed to me as I fell towards the ground I couldn't feel anything. I only felt the pain from ezra. I thought it'd ease the pain and take me far away from this but nothing could ease my pain. I'm numb, numb on the fact of ezra. He was my only high and now I find myself in my exes arms drunk. I was fully aware of my surroundings but it was like I couldn't speak or move. i felt all the pain. Suddenly I feel myself cuddled up on the couch next to him in his arms. Only his arms were cold. I didn't have the heart the ask him to leave I couldn't. Couldn't stand the feelin of being alone in a time like this. I began to open up to Sam as I cried into his chest laying in between his legs. "Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself sam. It's sad because I know I'm better than the choices than I make and the things I choose to deal with.." I whispered as I fell asleep. I woke up to the sweet smell of syrup and eggs and bacon. I ran straight to the bathroom.

EZRAS POV:
I told jackie to get out last night. I left Aria multiple messages and voicemails and calls hoping she'd pick up. I could stand staying here in this office drinking away my pain any longer I drove to the brew to run into Sam. I heard him whisper into my ear as he walked by "thanks for running her into my arms" I didn't pay much attention to it but now it's all I think about. Did I really run her into his Arms? I can't let him hurt her ever again. I'm in love with her. Every taste of whiskey last night I can't remember but I can remember her skin on mine. Her lips pressed against mine. It's like I can't breathe. If I should die before I wake it's because I lost her. She was my world. She was like my air the only keeping me going. It's how I feel without her. Without her I just can't breathe. I need her. I decided to sit in my car outside of the brew hoping to see Aria.

ARIAS POV:
I woke up to throwing up and to seeing Sams smiling face. I found him holding my hair throwing up. I couldn't eat. I told him I needed to be alone for awhile and if I wanted him or needed to talk Id find him. He left. I decided to go to my car after he left and go to the brew for a cup of coffee and go back home I needed something to keep down because all I've been doing is throwing up. I pull up I walk in get my coffee to go just to spill it on someone. Someone as in ezra. I couldn't stand to look at him just that thought made me sick I ran to the bathroom to throw up.

EZRAS POV:
"Aria.. Aria wait come back." I said.
I ran after her to hearing her throw up she came out in tears I tried to talk but she ran past me bumped into me and ran to her car and left. And like the moon she had a side of her so dark, that even the stars couldn't shine on it. She had a side of her so cold now, that even the sun couldn't burn on it. It was all my fault.

ARIAS POV:
Just my luck running into him I rushed home as fast as possible. I ran to the kitchen to be drinking once more. One glass turned to 10 and then 10 to 20 then a bottle and kept repeating. I was long gone. 90 proof was an understatement when I get around him I'm way past wasted and drinking this doesn't do anything. Staring at the bottom of my glass I still see him. I close my eyes to forget the pain as I lay on my couch. I see him as I close my eyes. It seems like everything I touch anymore slowly dies. It became dark at staring at the ceiling I still have this empty feeling. As I fall asleep I see him. I see is smiling. But I can't touch him or keep him. I loved him to much. I dived too deep I was gasping for air. The dreams quickly ended as I woke up. Woke up to finding myself in pain once again. I saw ezra left calls and texts and messages. It's winter break and I'm wasting it inside. Hanna and the girls have been calling because they want their ice ball dresses Alison's mother hosts this every year for charity. This is two weeks away but they want those dresses. By now we know ali is alive. We know she's hiding out and is coming back soon we just don't know how to bring her home. I don't want to think about it or "A" until got a text from "A" "poor Aria, why must you cry over a silly boy? Perhaps he did love you. Or maybe he's been hiding a secret." I ignored it. I cried myself to sleep for a week. Hoping my parents would come home but no. They'll be gone for another month. Mikes always gone with Mona. I can't stand her for obvious reasons but have no power to break them apart. I'm broken enough. I finally decided to wake up and return some texts. Espically EZRAS. He wanted to talk and I don't know if I'll be able to be it. I've been throwing up constantly for a week haven't ate anything. I feel horrible. I decided I'd call him to meet up to talk this out. He invited me over. I drove to his apartment I did myself up as well as possible. I got to the apartment and didn't know if I could make it up those stairs. I saw jackie sitting in the parking lot she followed me. "Look jackie please let me talk with him. Please." I said. "You have 5 minutes then I crush your dreams" She said. I walked as fast as possible. I knocked. He opened with a smile. I was weak he asked me to sit down and if I needed help. "You don't look so good Aria. In sorry. I didn't ever mean to do this to you." He said. The memory flooded back. "You were there that night. Every night at the hospital weren't you?" I said. "Of course Aria you know I wouldn't do anything for you." He said. "So why'd you risk it all with her?" I said. "But Aria nothing happened. She tried to kiss me I wasn't going to let her." "OH YEAH THEN WHY EZRA!?" I tried to shout. "Because I'm already in love with someone else and don't want anyone else's lips more than I want yours. Look I know I can't help you but it kills me not being able to-" he said. "I need to go. Just stay away from me. I can't even believe you lying to my face. I know you can't goodbye." I said