Severus Snape Phoenix Freed

Chapter 31 - Quest

After the Holiday Break the darkness closed even tighter around Hogwarts. The Dementors had moved in closer to the school, threatening to suck out any joy from within its walls. Or perhaps they felt the time coming for an opportunity to claim the souls within. Severus was feeling the strain of keeping the dark forces at bay. He stood at the landing's edge atop the tower, watching as the students marched in. He found no joy in the sight, and it was getting harder to find any within himself. Phoenix had followed through with her promise... she had been strong for him, but even she could not always bear to witness his pain, and often retreated into her own chambers.  He returned to find her sitting at his desk, a rucksack in front of her.   He entered slowly, not wanting to face the implications at this moment. He walked over to her, looking down into her face, "Are you leaving?" he asked, not wanting to hear the answer he feared. "Only for a day or two.  I have something I need to take care of," she said, standing to grab her pack. "Why didn't you tell me?  Why aren't you telling me the reason now?  It's too dangerous to leave.  What reason can you possibly have to take that risk?" he asked, more hurt and worried than angry. "I just heard. You know the students have been bunking in the Room of Requirements. Me and my friends have been working with some of them over the year to learn defensive strategies. They've had outside help, but there's some things they need, and I'm the one who knows how to acquire them," she said, but he wasn't convinced. "Why you?  Certainly someone else can take care of it. Tell me what it is and maybe I can help," he said, not wanting to push too hard. He knew Phoenix had a stubborn streak of independence that would balk against an order. "I can handle it," Phoenix said, and he noticed she did not meet his eyes. "You're lying!" Severus said, and the realization hit him in his gut. She brushed past him, her head down. "It's nothing you need to concern yourself with," she said, stopping a few feet from him, not turning to look at him. "Nothing I need to concern myself with?!" he said, his voice rising with his anger. "Yes, exactly," she said, and started to walk away again. He chased her down, grabbing her arms to turn her to him, "Tell me!  I deserve that much," he said, and he softened his grip on her arms. He did not want her to leave like this, but he knew he would not force her to stay.  "I'm sorry Severus. It's personal," Phoenix replied. "Personal?!" Severus felt his anger spark again. He gritted his teeth and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He wanted to hold her there, to make her answer him, but he would not hold her against her will. He saw her wrestling with her thoughts.  "Severus. You know I love you. You have to know that. But I have to do this. It is what I've been waiting for since they killed my parents!" she spat out the last part, tears forming in her eyes. What Phoenix was saying was not what he expected. He knew of her quest for vengeance for her parents, but she hadn't spoken of it in a long while. "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice softening. She looked up to the ceiling as if she was upset with herself for revealing her secret. She finally looked him in his eyes. "The one who killed my parents has been spotted in Hogsmeade. My friends have been helping bring in supplies. They told me he is there. I've been waiting for this opportunity. I can't miss it!" she said desperately. Severus saw the despair in her eyes. He looked at her, and he saw something else he hadn't seen for a long time... her youth. He knew that the death of her parents had forced her to grow up quickly, and now he could see the vulnerability from that part of her life that she had buried along with her parents. "Phoenix, it is too dangerous. There are dementors and snatchers and Death Eaters everywhere. You are a fool to go. I cannot protect you out there. Don't do this, Phoenix," he implored her, stepping forward to place his hands on her face. He could not bear to lose her. He wanted to stop her, to forbid her to go. Surely she saw all of that in his eyes, which were pleading with her now. He saw her close her eyes, then she turned away to leave. "Phoenix," he said, and she paused, "If you are killed, I will never forgive myself... or you." "I'm sorry, Severus," she said, and he could hear her sobs as she ran out. He stood there, unable to think or move. He felt like an empty shell, and he could not even summon anger or despair from the void. He walked to his desk like a somnambulist. Something caught his eye on the shelf... the bottle of wine she made for him for Christmas. It had been months since she gave it to him. They were going to save it for a special occasion. There had been none. He reached for the bottle, holding it to look at the small inscription he had missed before, 'To my beloved Severus. My heart, my lifeblood, my soul.' She was all of those things to him as well. He placed the bottle back on the shelf. What if she didn't make it back to him? He meant it when he said he would not forgive himself... for not stopping her, for not going with her, for not giving her enough reason to stay. He thought of his own course... he would would not hesitate to risk his own life for his promise to Albus... his unspoken promise to Lily... and to Phoenix. Phoenix had never demanded that he turn away from his promises that he was willing to die for. His love for Phoenix was not measured by his willingness to make that sacrifice. He regretted saying she was a fool. He saw the bravery in her, and it was not fool hearted. He would still not forgive himself, but he would forgive her.

Phoenix regretted leaving the way she did. She was going to sneak out, but she thought Severus deserved to know she was leaving. She didn't want to tell him why. She was sure he would try to stop her. She couldn't allow that, and she was grateful he hadn't tried. She may have hated him for it if he had. No, she thought, not hated, but she would have never forgiven him. She was willing to die for this. She had vowed long ago that the person responsible for her parents death would not be allowed to live as long as she had any power over his fate. She wished she could kill them all, especially Voldemort, but she knew his fate was not in her hands. She made her way through the tunnel. She would have to make it past Aberforth once out of the tunnel, which should not be an issue this time of night. Her friends had insisted on going with her, but she was unwilling to risk them for her own personal quest. She couldn't live with herself if one of them were to die. This was her burden to bear alone. Her parents' murderer wouldn't be that hard to find, she hoped. He had characteristics that set him apart from the others. He was tall, muscular, and had a broad streak of almost white hair. She neared the end of the tunnel and opened her pack to put the dark clothes over hers, and she smudged her face with dirt. She had something else up her sleeve too... polyjuice potion. She had snatched a hair from Amycus's robe. He looked plain enough to pass as any snatcher, and if someone did recognize him, it would give them pause. She took her wand and her dagger and left the pack in the tunnel. She had maybe an hour or two to find her target, and she planned on looking where he was seen before. If she was successful, she would apparate back into the tunnel, and no one would know it was her. Suddenly she remembered... her locket. If she were killed or captured, the locket would tie her back to Severus. She took it off and opened it, using her wand to see the picture in the dark. She wished she could keep it with her as a talisman to give her luck. But she didn't believe in luck, and seeing his picture was what she needed to bolster her courage and determination to make it back to him. She only hoped he would welcome her back.