Living in misery. (Tommyinnit)

E I G H T E E N

TW IntrusiveThoughts SuicidalThoughts

I was woken by Wilbur shaking me awake from the backseat.

"Hey. We're here. Can you let us out?" He asked. I nodded groggily, unclipping my seatbelt, and opening the van door. I got out and stood stretching my arms. Then i turned around and let the seat down after grabbing my earbud case off the seat. Him and Niki climbed out and i looked around. We were quite literally in the middle of no where. I could hear a river nearby somewhere but the trees blocked any view. This was obviously rented out as a campsite though. There was a picnic table and a place for what i assumed to be a fire. I looked down at my phone and saw the no service text in the top corner.

"Shit. I didn't text my parents." I muttered and felt slight panic through my body. Of course id told them about this trip but i also said id text them before losing service. Tears began to prick my eyes at the thought of worrying them. I ran my hand through my hair, tightly shutting my eyes. I jumped as i felt a light touch on my shoulder.

"Hey. Its ok Toms. I texted them for you." said Wil. I turned to face him and nodded slightly.

"Thanks." I said calming down some.

I walked to the trunk of the van where Phil and Tubbo were getting the big cooler out and grabbed mine and Tubbos tent and sleeping bags. I walked to a spot and set all of it down. I walked back and grabbed our duffel bags and threw them with the rest of our stuff. I had made sure to pick a place with thick grass so there wouldn't be as much discomfort to sleep on. I saw Techno putting up his and Phils tent. Dream was putting up his and George's, Sapnap and Eret with theirs, Wilbur with his and Nikis tent. Tubbo and Phil were still trying to get the cooler moved so i decided maybe i should try the tent. I dumped out the box and grabbed the instructions.

Seems simple.

~~~

An hour later and with help from Tubbo we got the tent set up. Tubbo smiled widely at this and high-fived me. I had to say i also felt proud of this accomplishment. The process had been entertaining for us bc we had no clue what we were actually doing.

By the time everything was set up it was almost 8 and Dream decided it was time to cook. He pulled out some crisps, a few packs of hot dogs, buns, ketchup and mustard. He walked to his car and grabbed the sticks to put them on and set it all out on the picnic table. While Dream had done this Sapnap made the fire. Me and Tubbo walked over. I grabbed a hot dog and put it on the stick and and Tubbo did the same but with two. We both grabbed a bun and a plate and walked to sit by the fire in the chairs Dream brought.

I was cooking my hot dog and Wil walked up and looked and me with a smile on his face seeing me planning to eat something. He sat next to me after getting his hot dog and soon everyone was sitting around the fire. I had gotten up to put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog and i put some crisps on my plate. I took a bite of the hot dog and felt a little guilty but i knew the guilt would be worse if i let down Wilbur. I finished the hot dog and started on the crisps.

"Eating a bit much today, huh Tommy?" Techno said smirking. Everyone went silent and looked at him.

"Techno." Wil said sharply.

"What? He usually doesn't eat much and now he's eating a lot."

"Techno shut it." He said harsher. I began to panic but ignored it until later when i could talk to Tubbo or be alone. He didn't know still so i cant be upset. But i stopped eating. I hoped it was enough as i looked to Wilbur for some kind of approval. He noticed and looked at me, down at my plate, and back at me putting a slight smile on and nodding. He's proud. Thats good.

Fucking fat.

No I'm not.

Techno sees it. He said something. To keep you from getting fatter.

He was just making a joke because i normally don't eat a lot and i did tonight. I'm ok.

Fat.

Fat.

Fat

I' I M NOT FAT STOP IT.

You're fucking fat Tommy. Why can't you just be skinny like everyone else?

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

GET OUT.

GET OUT.

GET OUT.

I was snapped from my thoughts to find i was back in the tent laying in my sleeping bag. How did i get here? I felt hot tears begin to stream down my face. I looked to my right to see Tubbo sleeping soundly next to me.

I slowly got up to avoid waking him and unzipped the tent. I crawled out and quietly zipped it back before fully standing up. I choked back a sob and the grew afraid that someone who could still be up hearing it. I just stared into the woods. And before i could realize myself, i was running.

Tripping over sticks, tears running across my face, and running. I was following the sound of the stream until i finally found it. I slowed to the edge before crumbling down, folding myself to sit on my legs with my chest against my legs. I ran my hands through my hair and grabbed clumps, crying loudly. I looked up through teared eyes at the water.

Drown yourself Tommy. No one will miss you.

"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!" I screamed out crying. I slammed my fist against the ground. I realized how much better the screaming made me feel. I screamed out again. I let it out. It burned my throat but it wasn't a bad way of coping i don't think. I was crying but now sitting up with my knees still to my chest and crying into my knees. I lifted my head letting out a quieter scream. Maybe the universe will listen to me.

"LET ME BE NORMAL. LET ME BE BETTER. PLEASE LET ME BE FUCKING BETTER." I screamed to the skies. "Please..." i said quietly.

"Tommy?" I turned my head to see Wil with a battery lantern rushing to me. He crouched down wiping the tears off my face with his yellow sweater sleeve. I threw my arms around his torso sobbing into his shoulder.

"Wil... I just want to be normal. Im not fat Wil. Why won't the voice stop telling me I am?" I sobbed, muffled by his shirt.

"I know Tommy. I know, its ok. Its ok Tommy. I have voices too. Just prove them wrong." He said holding me and slightly rocking.

"Im sorry Wil..."

"Its ok Tommy. You didn't do anything wrong." He said. I could hear tears lacing his words.

"I don't want to go Wil. I'm so tired of hurting. Im tired..."

"You're not going anywhere Toms. You can sleep. Ill be here. Ill always be here, I promise." He said brushing my hair. I cried into his sweater for around 10 more minutes before beginning to drift off. I felt Wil begin carrying me back.

"Niki? Can you go sl... in the tent w... Tubbo? Y..., he's ok. He just n... sleep." His voice was drifting in and out until i finally fell fully asleep, exhausted beyond imagine.