You're gonna go far Kid

C~68: Childish Reasons

The boy ducks around the doors clutching the contents close to his chest while his feet beat against the wheat. Darting around, he crouches into the shadows as a group of soldiers passes, being as quiet as a mouse.

Standing around, he peers around, reading the names aginst the stable stall, saddles and bags hung against the walls. Eyes gleaming at his target, he climbs up on a bale of hay, opening the side saddlebag. Reaching into his pocket, the boy takes out the silver ring on a string and, with a stretch, can barely tip it into the pouch.

Taking a breath, he grips the notebook in his fingertips and reaches up once more to tip it in until a voice rings behind him.

"Suka?"

Shouting, the boy jumps around, sighing at the sight of Levi. "What are you up to?"

Searching for an escape, Suka states, "Up to something? I'm just here to see you off...yeah."

Levi raises his brow with a slight smirk before sitting on the hay bale next to Suka. Seeing Levi sit Suka copies, knowing he's been caught while Levi begins, "See me off, huh? Then how come you're in here and not at the gate?"

"Give me two minutes to come up with an excuse, and I'll get back to you." Suka smiles, hoping innocence works on this man. Suppressing a laugh, Levi shakes his head "How about you take the two minutes to explain to me what you were trying to sneak into my saddlebag?"

heaving in defeat, Suka holds the notebook close awaiting the knowing answer as he mumbles, "Kidda's journal."

Pausing, Levi closes his eyes, sighing, glancing back at Suka, he scoots closer, trying to smile "Suka...y-you have to understand, Kidda and I w-we tried, but we want different thin-"

"What?" Suka asks, meeting Levi's gaze. "What did you want or not want that was different from her?" he continues leaning on his knees "You both want to protect people; you both would do anything to fight for us...did you not want children?"

Thrown off a bit by the question, Levi stammers, "N-No, no, no-"

"Cause the only thing I can think of is Rin and me-"

"Suka!" Levi starts holding his shoulder "You and Rin have nothing to do with it...neither of you did anything wrong." he reassures, trying to find a better way to explain "Sometimes..." looking into the eyes of the kid who idealized him, Levi saw, knew, he only deserved the truth.

"Sometimes you fall in love under certain circumstances. I fell in love with Kidda back when Titan were our biggest problem," he remembers laughing at how yesterday it seemed. "Back then, you lived every day as if it was your last. So when I realized I loved Kidda, I wanted to spend every moment I had left with her, protecting, loving her."

He thinks back to times he watched her train, fought alongside Kidda, a girl who could take him to the place between dreaming and awake "You remember when that ended, you didn't have to spend every second hoping Kidda and I were alright because we were in the next room. Those quiet times were perfect as well, but even then, people still ask you to take sacrifices."

Swallowing Levi bits his lip thinking back to one of their first fights...about Kidda injecting herself possibly "And conflict can be born when those ask too much of someone else. In the field, I always stop her, pull her back, but when it comes to situations not needing survival instinct...well, we both absolutely suck at talking, I suck at talki-"

"So you gave up?"

"Suka it's more complicated than that-"

"Doesn't seem like it."

Levi would never want to speak ill of Kidda to someone who sees her as a mother, but "She wouldn't stop." stammering these words, Levi motions, "She wouldn't stop being a hero, it's a thing with her!"

"Would you want her to stop?" Suka questions.

Letting out a breath, Levi shakes his head "I'd like her to stop treating her life as if she's another soldier who thinks death is the best way to serve!" as he shouts this, Suka leans back. Tapping his foot Levi turns to the boy. "Okay, I will take the notebook, I will not read it, but I will take it." he agrees.

Suka smiles, beginning to hand the book to Levi, who just holds it, continuing, "If you promise to work with ODM more and you don't tell Kidda about any of this." he finishes. Suka frowns a bit, promoting Levi to kneel before him "Look, one day you're gonna find someone who makes you feel alive, something you can only experience with them, and you'll understand then."

Nodding, Suka shrugs, "Do you really have to go?"

Sadly Levi nods "I gotta make a sacrifice to keep everyone safe, but you can protect Rin and Kidda while I'm gone, can't you?" he asks. Beaming, Suka gives a salute before hugging the captain, "Promise dad." with those words, Suka rushes away, his mission complete unaware of the effect his words had on Levi.

"Dad," Levi repeats, standing, wonder dripping into his voice and mind, as he clutches the notebook. Packing it up, he saddles his horse with the rest of the team picked to watch over Zeke.

As he mounts his horse, he turns back to the main building, where, through one of the higher windows, Levi spots a marvelous sight. Suka was waving bye while Rin was broadly rolling her eyes, but above them was Kidda. Upon their eyes meeting, Levi felt a shock as if it was something from when they first met.

Captain and cadet back then.

He sees the right corner of her lip briefly turn up as she gives a small wave of a send-off.

The light dancing off her hair like gold spindles and lighting her eyes like the sun swimming along the ocean waves. Maybe in a perfect world, she would be doing the same thing from a doorway as an ideal morning began, and Levi would be heading to work. That night they would put their kids to sleep before laying with each other themselves.

But a perfect world like that Levi hadn't been to in a long time.

That wonderful place between dreaming and awake.

At that moment, it was like he was standing before the door, and with one movement, he could walk in and be back.

The door fades as he returns the gesture with a nod and rides out.