Bad Boys Never Change

Bad Decisions.

Dutch has been home for a week now and we have sort of settled into a nice routine, even though we have had a few arguments about what he is going to do now he is home as I was getting pissed with him just lying around the house drinking all day.

I thought it would great to have him back and all my problems would now be solved, but I'm still stressing over my last conversation with Bobby and I think that's why I'm heading over to Bobby's after my night shift. Yeah not my greatest idea and I dont really know what I'm doing or what I'm going to say when I get there but I need to talk to him, I've been stressing over it all night.

I pull up outside his house, check myself in the mirror yep I look like a walker from the walking dead. Shit it's so early, he is probably still in bed with Angela what the hell am I doing? I go to change my mind and pull out of there fast when Bobby comes outside to grab his morning paper and stalls when he sees me in the driveway. Yeah no way of getting out of this now I have to get out of the car.

"Vanessa, what are you doing here?" Oh shit he is just in grey joggers and clearly has just got up, Ness dont stare.

"Sorry I dont know what I'm doing here, i was driving home from work and i just needed to talk to you" I stand there just looking awkward as hell.

"Yeah ok, do you want to come in? you look like you could use a coffee and I've just put a fresh pot on."

"Um yeah will it be ok with Angela?" 

"Shes not here, she is visiting her parents before the holidays and to sort out some wedding things."

I follow him in the house, even though every fibre in my being is screaming bad idea, dont go in!

He makes the coffee and I really wish he would put a shirt on it's really distracting, and I notice we still havent said anything to each other since I walked in the house.

He puts the coffee down in front of me and then sits at the table facing me. "So Ness, what's this morning visit about, surely there's not trouble in paradise already?"

"No it's not about him, well not entirely about him and our issues. Its about us, I wasnt happy with how we left things and still how cold you were to me, it's been eating me up inside and I know it shouldnt but I want to know where we are right now."

"Where we are? Ness we are nowhere we agreed on that. I'm getting married and you have Dutch back I dont know what you want from me?" He takes a sip of his coffee and takes a deep breath. "Look I'm sorry if I've been cold to you but I dont know how else to be. What do you want me to say, that it hurts to see you and Dutch together, that it upsets me to be around you knowing I'm not with you. I have to put up barriers so I can move on with Angela and get married to her I cant be thinking of you."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but it hurts me too and I hate to admit that it hurts me to see you happy with Angela, and it's totally not her fault she seems lovely and she clearly makes you happy and she is literally perfect for you but doesn't mean it hurts any less and I'll admit that I do wonder how we would be as a couple and I hate myself for admitting that and feeling that way."

"I'm glad you said that, as I feel that way too but how do you think I feel Dutch is my best friend and I have to watch him screw up all the time and he still has your full love and commitment."

"Yeah love and commitment that's why I'm sitting in your kitchen at 7am after a night shift instead of going home to my husband and kids." I say hanging my head in shame.

"Ness, you arent a bad person we are just in a crazy situation, I'm in love you and have been for years as you clearly know, but I'm in love with Angela too and I want to marry her and have a life with her so I do need to leave my feelings for you behind so i can do that. So im sorry that I was cold to you but i couldnt deal with it any other way."

"I'm sorry too, I didnt think it was possible to be I love with two people, two very different people and it's just screws me up every day and I'm a terrible person for feeling this way. Look I better go" I say grabbing my things and go to put my empty cup in his sink I stand there and try to tell myself not to cry.

I didnt even know that he had got up and was standing right behind me, until he put his arms around my waist and turned me around so I was facing him. I lean into his broad shoulders as I sob softly after holding him for awhile I look up into his blue eyes and against my better judgement I kiss him. Its just how I imagined it would be he is soft and tender as he kisses me back. I put my arms around his neck and we push against each other as it intensifies something just snaps in me.

"Bobby I cant, we cant! This is just wrong, as messed up as my home life is I love Dutch" I say pulling away but still laying my head against his shoulder.

"I know I'm sorry I just wanted to do that for years, what the hell we going to do now?"

"We cant do anything, they can never know about this, I have to go home to my family and you have to get married to Angela and have your happy ever after."

He groans "yeah I get that, look I'm sorry if things arent great at home, and I cant believe I'm saying this but you have to give Dutch the chance to prove he can change and give you the life you want. We can never be together, and we both know that so we have to make it work on the paths that we have chosen."

"Yeah it's just shit though isnt it?, I thought having him back would solve all my issues instead he is lazing around drinking and not helping me and I'm exhausted, mentally and physically exhausted and all I keep thinking is Bobby wouldnt do that, Bobby would help me with this etc etc." 

"Look ill talk to him, get him to buck his ideas up, as he seriously wouldnt want to lose you believe me."

"Thank you Bobby, and I seriously do wish you and Angela all the best."

"We are so messed up arent we?." He laughs 

I laugh too "Yeah we are, look I really better head back home and try and fix things before I screw it up even more."

"I'm glad you came over, and that we got to talk I promise I wont be cold to you anymore and I'll make more of an effort with you and the kids like I used to."

"Thank you, I appreciate that alot." I then get in the car and try and process things on the drive home.

When I arrive home I'm met by a sight and smell I would never have expected. The house smells of pancakes and bacon, and Dutch is in the kitchen with Ava making breakfast and the house is somewhat tidy, not my tidy but tidier than when I left in a huff last night after another argument with Dutch.

"Morning guys, what's this?." I say somewhat surprised.

"Morning Beautiful, is everything ok? Your late today?" He greets me with a kiss and  I feel so sick with guilt.

"Yeah I just got held up as we had an emergency, this breakfast looks amazing."

"Yeah me and Daddy thought you deserved it after working so hard and we cleaned the house last night." Ava says looking all proud of her self.

"I can tell, this is amazing thank you guys." I sit down as the twins and Leo come to join us.

Dutch puts a plate in front of me and kisses me on the cheek "I wanted to do something nice for you, and I promise I'll help you out more and i even have a job interview later today."

"That's great babe, I'm pleased." I say as we tuck into our breakfast feast, I am consumed with guilt but it does make me think now even though the kiss was great it wasnt the heat and passion I feel for Dutch I know where my heart lies and its here with Dutch and our family and I will do everything to make this work now and just pray to god that he never finds out about 'the blip'.