3 Years

21 - Regrets

Have you guys seen the cast pictures for season two? Olivia and Joshua are wearing the pick and dog tag!

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The tension could be cut with a knife. The air felt thicker, and it was only getting worse as the seconds ticked by. Ricky still hasn't said anything; he has been staring at the twins' birth certificates for ten minutes, which seemed like the longest hours of their lives.

Nini felt like she might just explode if he doesn't speak. "Ricky? Can you say... anything?"

Ricky swallows hard and says, "I... I don't know what to think." He slowly sets the two papers down side by side on the edge of the bed and takes a step back. "Um... what do you want me to say?" He was completely stuck where he was, unsure of what to do next.

"Something. Anything."

As obvious as it may seem, Ricky still wanted to clarify. "They're mine?" Nini nods as she holds back tears. Nini had guessed he would've sprinted away and not want anything to do with the twins. But he was still here.

"Do you... do you hate me?" Ricky finally looks at her for the first time since she handed him those birth certificates. She was looking down at her feet and was just as close to crying as he was.

"For what?" he asks cluelessly.

"Just... after learning this information... what do you think?" Nini didn't know what she was saying; she couldn't think straight, and her thoughts were coming out a jumbled mess. It was like she was drunk without the slurring.

"No, of course not. I could never hate you... for anything." She lets out a sigh of relief at this. "When did you know?"

"I, uh..." They both start twisting their promise rings around their fingers as Nini puts her thoughts together. "I took a test a month after you left; that's when the symptoms started."

That news hits Ricky like a truck. "Wow, ok, um..." He started scratching the back of his head. He sits back down on the edge of the bed and forcefully rubs his hands over his face, his rings scratching him a little. "I'm an even bigger failure than I thought," he mumbles.

He didn't mean for it to, but Nini heard him. "What are you talking about?"

He glances up at her, shocked that she doesn't see how obvious it is. "I didn't come back for my parents, friends, or you. And now I learn that there were two other people involved. I don't understand how you can stand to look at me."

"Ricky, please don't ever say that. You aren't a failure; far from it."

"Really!?" He stands up and his voice gets louder, which scares Nini at first, but it's only because he's so frustrated with himself. "I missed their first words, steps, everything!! I've been presumed dead for the last fifteen years for fucks sake!!! They probably think I'm a deadbeat dad who left because he couldn't handle being responsible for his own children!!!" His guess wasn't far off, but Nini wasn't going to tell him that. He starts pacing around as she tries to calm him down.

"Ricky, I didn't know until a month after you left. There wasn't any way either of us could've known earlier. If I didn't know before you were gone, how would you have?" He either doesn't hear her or ignores her reasoning. She knew he was spiraling and was also starting to freak out; she didn't know what to do.

"I'm a sorry excuse of a son, boyfriend, and I especially don't deserve the title of father."

"Richard Bowen!!" Nini screams. He finally stands still again, and they both have tears running down their faces. "Please stop with the self-deprecating mumbo jumbo. Nothing is your fault. Nothing ever was your fault."

"I should've been here through it all," he cries, "I'm sorry." I regret getting on that fucking plane. If only I had turned around instead.

"I was never mad at you for anything. Please stop beating yourself up over this." She approaches him and wipes some of his tears away.

"How could I not kick myself for this?"

"Because I never, ever blamed you for what happened."

Ricky pulls her to his chest as they both begin sobbing in the other's arms. After a few more minutes of standing with no sound other than sniffles, Ricky speaks up again. "Did you ever... regret anything? Like did you ever resent that you had to raise them on your own?"

"It was hard, but it's not like we can change what happened."

"That doesn't answer my question."

After a few seconds, she whispers, "Never. Those two are my greatest gifts."

"Did you... did you ever regret that... that I was their father?"

Nini glances up at him from her spot on his chest. Her heart breaks when she sees he's actually serious about that question. "The only thing was that I wished you were there to experience everything with me. I, um... I actually love that they're half you."

Ricky feels his heart swell at this; he smiles a little when he realizes she's talking in the present tense. He just had one more question. "Do they know?"

Nini pulls away from him a little bit and says, "Hmm?" She only now realizes how close their faces are.

"Do the kids know... who I am?"

She lightly shakes her head. "No, I... I could never bring myself to talk about it."

"Do they know... anything about me?" Ricky felt fearful with every question he asked, and his voice became shakier with each muttered word.

"A little. Only the gang and our parents knew about the whole... death thing. If you didn't notice though," Nini says, picking up Jayden's birth certificate and handing it back to him, "there's something you should take a closer look at."

Ricky assumed there was some more gut-wrenching information he missed, but he was pleasantly surprised. "You... you named him a- after... me?" he says, tearful. How did I miss that the first time?

Nini nods her head excitedly as she chokes back a sob. "Mhm. I, uh, I made that decision when the nurse told me I was also having a boy. That's all they know about you though."

"I don't believe it. Even after how much I hurt you, you still did this." Ricky felt honored knowing this. He read that name over and over again as tears fell freely. All this information was spinning in his head, and he didn't know what to do with it.

"That was one of the easiest choices I ever made," Nini chuckles.

"You are incredible," he compliments.

Nini knows her face is red, but she also knows there's no point in hiding it when he's standing this close to her. "I was... living one life for the two of us."

"And you did a damn good job."

A light laugh is shared before the room is quiet. The pair stare at each other, not sure what to do next. Ricky's sure Australia can hear his heartbeat as his eyes fall down to her lips for a brief second, Nini's eyes doing the same.

Before either of them can move away, Ricky leans in and kisses her, and he suddenly forgets his own name. It's insane how she can still make my brain short circuit.

Nini's shocked at first but kisses back almost immediately. Fireworks. That's the only way to describe this feeling. She can feel her legs turning to jelly.

They were both exploding on the inside, having been deprived of this feeling for years. Ricky pulls her tighter against his chest as her hands snake around his neck and into his hair.

Once the lack of oxygen starts to take effect, they pull away and keep their foreheads together. "I'm sorry," Ricky says, looking for any signs of uncomfortableness or regret.

"Don't be." And she pulls him back to her.

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So... that... happened.