dear diary

chapter 25

I spend the rest of the night with the door locked, sulking on the huge and obnoxiously comfortable guest bed. At around 8 in the morning, when my subconscious decided I got enough sleep, I hear the doorknob jiggle.

"Delaney? Open up, I know you're in there," I hear Matt's voice, and I'm instantly relieved that it isn't Chase.

"No, just go away," I say back, wanting to cry in private. I feel so pathetic right now, I don't need eye witnesses. My head is also pounding, and I'm sure I look absolutely atrocious.

"I'll take the door off the hinges, Delaney, let me in," he says, and it's clear he isn't going to give up. "I'm extremely hungover right now, so don't make me barge in there."

"God, fine," I shout, rolling off the bed and walking to the door. I unlock it quickly, open it and pull him in, closing and locking it again before anyone else has the chance to even look at me.

"What happened? Why are you crying?" He says, his expression full of worry as his eyes scan my face.

"It's stupid, just let me be," I say, and of course he shakes his head.

"Come on, I doubt it's stupid. Talk to me, Delaney," he says, and I consider sitting him down and filling him in on what's been going on.

Not everything, for obvious reasons, only about what's been happening with me and Chase.

So I do, because that's what my hungover mind decides is the right decision.

"Wow, I was not expecting that," he says after I pretty much fill him in on the whole situation.

"Look, Chase is an idiot, but I know he wouldn't do something like this. Not when it's obvious it would hurt you. You need to talk to him, find out what happened down there," he says, and I shake my head.

"I don't want to talk to him, Matt. I knew where he stood, it was stupid of me to even pursue this in the first place. I should've expected this, I don't know why I'm so upset," I say, and he gives me a disapproving look.

"You're upset because you like him, and from what you just told me it's clear he likes you too. You need to communicate, or nothing is going to get better," I know he's right, but a small part of me is screaming that it isn't worth it.

The risk of him hurting me, more than he did last night, is becoming something I'm not sure I can face anymore.

"I was skeptical about it going in, and now my skepticism is justified. I knew we wouldn't work, not with his stupid one and done rule, and not with my-" I almost slip up about my situation, but pull back.

"Not with your what?" He asks, and I frown.

"I've gone to four other schools this year. The possibility of me moving again isn't small, so maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe this is a sign that we were being irresponsible," I say, and he shakes his head.

"No, that's bullshit. You can't live your life in fear of moving, Delaney, because then you'll miss everything that happens while you're here," he says, sort of taking me by surprise.

"Since when are you actually good at giving advice?" I ask, and he laughs.

"I'm great at it when I know someone needs it bad," he says, and I give him a small smile.

We sit in silence for a second, Matt telling me to take a moment and consider what I want. Then I remember, what I want doesn't matter.

My mother was right about the fact that dating isn't something I can do. She was right in saying that boyfriends are a bad idea, and I'm starting to realize I let myself go too far with Chase.