dear diary

chapter 38

dear diary,

as i have written, a few days have passed since the party. i spent most of the weekend with my mother and some of it with Chase.

my mother made it clear she wishes to be with me more often, and held to her word by actually being with me. though, there were times Mark was over and my interest to be around diminished. that's where Chase came into play.

i tried talking to her about the money, but she said it was just a small amount of what she's saved up from work and not to worry about it.

i also showed Chase the card from Mark, and he found it just as odd as I did.

when i was no longer feeling like being near my mother, or when Mark showed, Chase was there to be with me. the more time i spend with him, the harder i fall.

fall, such a scary word. truthfully, i am scared. the feelings i have for Chase are growing pretty rapidly, and im worried they aren't reciprocated in the same volume.

despite whether he likes me as much or not, my feelings for him won't falter. he makes me happy, and happy is all i want to be.

as happy as i am, though, there is still that sliver of worry deep inside me that is seemingly impenetrable. i want to let completely loose, to allow myself to completely indulge in Chase, but i haven't forgotten how selfish that would be.

that would mean danger for him, and heartbreak for me. so, while i am falling for him, i am cautious of the rate i fall and how hard i may crumble when i hit the ground.

at any moment i can be taken, and that would do nothing but hurt the both of us. maybe i should have stopped this before it began, and maybe i should stop it now, but I can't and i don't think i will. Chase knows the dangers and so do i, and if i feel for a second my time is coming then that is when i will call this all off.

for now, though, i plan to indulge fully and continue to fall, praying i land on a cloud and not the hot ground of hell.

I shut my diary after what feels like years of writing, it's almost halfway full already. I've been using it a lot this weekend, in the mornings and sometimes at night.

I called my job over the weekend and quit, which was unfortunate considering my friendship with Claire was just beginning but some things aren't meant to last. Who knows, maybe I'll see her again for some other reason.

Now that my time after school is free, I get to watch the boys' lacrosse scrimmage with Blaire today. I'm pretty excited, seeing Chase run around looking all sexy is definitely going to be fun.

Our conversation on Friday has also been at the back of my mind, and during most of our makeouts over the weekend I've shamelessly imagined myself tied to his headboard.

I'm definetly nowhere near ready to give myself to him like that yet, but a girl can still dream about it. He doesn't seem to have an issue with it, we've kept ourselves busy in the meantime.

I don't know when I'll be ready for that, and I'm not sure when exactly I'll know but something tells me it'll be a spur of the moment decision when it just feels right.

I also know my first time won't be spent with my hands tied and a blindfold covering my eyes, but dreaming about the future is perfectly fine. Until someone finds out, that is. Then it's embarrassing.

After getting ready for school, I get in the car and am eventually pulling into my parking spot. After cutting the engine and walking inside, I head towards my locker and find Tyler leaning against it.