I can't fall in love || D.M.

•chapter 32•

*tw: abuse and self harm*
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~dare~

I need a drink or I might just crumble in front of him. He made me feel 2 feet tall, I need some confidence. Confidence in the form of a glass containing fire whiskey.

My eyes were lost in his. They were blue... they made me want to cry.

I broke eye contact. "I'm going to get a drink" I said as I walked over to the drinks table.

I looked into the glass before chugging it. It kicked in almost immediately I felt less anxious.

I'd stop thinking about the things that lived in my head rent free such as my mother and the flashbacks.

I would always have flashbacks about- well being kidnapped by my own mother and Voldemort...

It haunts me, i've been having nightmares as well. No one knew about them except for my grandmother, Pansy and Rose. It was hard to keep it from them when I would wake them up screaming and crying.

They went away when I was with Draco my mind was occupied I guess, so he didn't know about them either.

Now I think about it no one knew what happened to me. No one knew about the kidnapping except my grandmother who reported me missing.

Two weeks. Two weeks they kept me there in the dungeon. They would physically and mentally abuse me.

They would tell me I'm weak, pathetic, a filthy halfblood and more names I don't want to recall. After about a week I snapped, after I killed bluebell I learned not to get attached to things. I was numb.

They would have continued "helping me" (as they liked to say) but Voldemort was killed when he started the war, as for my mother she was put in Azkaban.

It took a while for me to recover, I was sent to live with my grandmother again. She tried her best to help me and she succeeded. She got me to eat again.

I used to cut myself to feel something, I remember my mother used to cut me and tell me to "get used to it" or "learn to like it" so I did.

I learned to like it, pain comforted me in a way. It was my mother's sick way of showing she loved me. She didn't want  me to be weak.  She didn't want me to die, that's how I saw it anyway. I had to stay somewhat positive.

Maybe that's why I can't love or I can't admit it because love for me, usually means pain. If I ever had love in my life I don't think I would know what to do with it. Like with Draco I didn't know what to do.

I attempted many times. I was told to take anti depressants, they helped I stopped cutting but the nightmares continued.

I eventually got better, back to my normal self. I still had my trauma but that's what made me who I am. I was nice to people because I didn't want to be like her. My so called mother.

But I know how to defend myself and not get hurt over little things, like breakups. I have mumsy to thank for that.

We all have our weak moments, even my mother. She would fall for the wrong people only she cooed with her sadness by being evil. Crazy even.

I put the glass down and then I see him. Malfoy walking down the stairs. I shook my head and decided I wanted to dance.

I walked over to the couch Pansy, Rose, Blaise, Alex and Luke were sat on. Draco soon walked over to us is I leant down.

"Wanna dance?" I ask looking at Pansy and Rose.

"You know I can't dance" Pansy laughs.

"I'll fall on my face" Rose says taking a drag of a spliff.