I can't fall in love || D.M.

•chapter 42•

~voices~

*self harm and abuse tw: please read with caution and feel free to skip if you need to*

There I sat in my dorm looking up at the ceiling, deciding what to do. I had just had a nightmare.

Luke's effect wore off - he no longer helped me when I had nightmares. He seemed to make them worse, so I didn't ask for his help anymore.

Sometimes when I fall asleep, I hope that I never wake up. I just want to have one night where I don't have a nightmare or a dream because dreams are worse in a way...

My dreams are usually about Luke and I being in an "ideal" and healthy relationship, but it's far from that.

I wish he would just trust me- but also I don't blame him. 'I wouldn't trust a slut like you either' the voices in my head often said when I think about it.

The voices drive me insane they call me weak but I know I must be strong because I fight them away when they tell me to hurt myself- I'm not going there again.

Lately I've been thinking about what draco said "you're trying to distract yourself with Luke... when we both know you're mine" was I just trying to distract myself? No I love Luke... I have to.

No one knows about how protective he is, why would I tell people? It's normal, it hurts but if love doesn't hurt it isn't love in my eyes. That's what I've grown up believing.

I told myself that he's just 'protective' whenever he would lash out at me but deep down I knew. I'm not that naive.

I'll never get why the men in my life always say I'm theirs. I'm not even my own person, I'm not sure who I am.

People see me as just the daughter of Bellatrix Lestrange, the daughter of the psychopath that ran off with Voldemort.  - Nothing more.

They were in love - even though both of them thought they were incapable of such a thing, after their past experiences.

I never thought I would fall In love after hearing tales about it and what it does to people. Id grown up with a very twisted definition of love due to my mother's story, how she would show me affection and even books that I've read.

Love can cause as much pain as it can happiness.

My mother made pain seem like attention, love and affection. Because she believed that she was doing what was best for me by abusing me - therefore teaching me how to cope with pain and not be vulnerable.

Little did she know she was setting me up for a future of abuse and thinking that it's okay, because I had grown up thinking that that was love when I was extremely young. And really that is what makes me vulnerable, that I'm so desperate for someone to love me like she was meant to.

The lack of love growing up does that to a child. (Not even lack of love... The replacement of love with abuse) then they grow up fucked up like myself.

I sighed and got out of bed I need to forget about everything for a while. I needed to go for a walk around.

I placed a green oversized jumper over my lace night dress and slipped on the trainers closest to me.

I let my feet take me up to the astronomy tower, not really thinking about where I was going.

One I was up the spiral stair case I went straight towards the railing. I sat with my feet dangling over the edge.

This took my mind off of everything I usually did this at my grandmothers house on my balcony.

It cleared my head I was more focussed on not falling than my past, trauma-whatever you want to call it.