Love To Hate You (EDITING)

thirty two - "Don't forget me while I'm gone"

W I L L O W

When I look back at memories and my opinions on boys and feelings, I wish I could go back to the times where I didn't know what having feelings towards another person meant.

Reading a lot made me learn that in a stupid way being in love, having a lover, caring for people, family vice versa makes you so extremely vulnerable to everything around you, not just against enemies or anything but in general.

You wake up some days or see a movie scene where someone dies and you start overthinking and making up scenarios in your head where someone you would die for, dies and you can't even imagine how you would feel and you get this creepy numb feeling and maybe even start to cry.

Growing up with a single parent made me grow so attached to everyone around me in such a short amount of time, I knew someday it would make me so vulnerable and even crush me, I knew it wouldn't matter if the person died or left me. I just knew I would feel so empty and scared...maybe even hurt.

Laying on my bed now, staring at the empty ceiling, knowing that the guy I've started to have deep feelings for, would leave me in less than twenty four hours was crushing me from within and not knowing when he would -if he would- come back was making me overthink.

Ever since I came back from the hospital my mom has been showering me with questions and my mind can't seem to put up words to answer her worry for me. She knows me more than anyone -even myself- and seeing me like this must hurt her but to answer her questions I must first be able to answer myself and I'm not ready to put my emotions at risk. I've already accepted my feelings and weird attachment to him once and I'm not ready to do it again.

I took my phone and the light of it made my eyes hurt a bit so I lowered the light. I went on Instagram and started stalking Sargent, yes, I'm stalking him. I looked at his pictures, well there's like one black and white picture of his face where he's barely smiling and all of the other pictures are of his cars. I was not shocked but I needed more pictures of him to look at while he was gone.

I don't know how I ended up on Blaine's account but I was looking at the pictures he had posted before the accident. And it was so weird to think that he didn't even know that he was posting his last photo or commenting for the last time on someone's pictures and looking at the last photo he posted of him and Sargent playing basketball with the cutest smiles on their faces made my heartache, it takes a few seconds for someone's life to make a crazy turn. 

Before I realized I had dropped the phone on my bed and fallen asleep.

***

I woke up with butterflies in my tummy, knowing that I was going to see Sargent for the last time in a long time today was making me feel all kinds of emotions. I got up from my bed and started making myself presentable and well fitting for his environment since we were going to hangout for a while in his house. I knew his mom was going to be there so I didn't want her to start telling me that I'm unfitting for her son, I don't really care but I don't want it to affect Sargent's mood since he tends to get heated up by small comments, quickly.