|||2021 WATTYS SHORTLIST|||
"We're lost souls finding peace in each other"
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Willow Edwards is about to turn her life upside down with a move to Colorado, convinced she needs a fresh start (even if it might not be necessary). She's the kind of deter...
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S A R G E N T
*Two weeks after getting out of the hospital*
"What made you refuse the institution?" The therapist, Dr.Haynes, my mom forced me to go to, asked and I rolled my eyes but stayed quiet.
My mind was on Willow. I fucking hate her even more for hearing about my plan. I mean I think I hate her. Ugh! I wanted to...end this another way but no she had to hear about it before I could end it. I mean she ruined it even more for herself because now she knows the truth and I'm sure it's eating her alive.
I don't care about her...I don't. No, I don't. But seeing her with those teary eyes, running away at the hospital left...a feeling in me that made me feel bad? Disappointed in myself? Fuck, no Sargent. This was payback.
I groaned out loud making the therapist smile. Ugh, more questions on the way.
"Tell me, who's she?" The therapist, Dr. Haynes asked and I just stared at her, "She's nothing." I answered and she shook her head, "Does she make you feel mad?" she kept on asking and I gave up. The only way this'll go faster is if I start talking.
"Yes, I hate her but..." she looked at me, waiting for an answer but I was stuck in my own thoughts.
But what Sargent? You don't want to admit it do you? You thought you were clever and you thought she would be the only one falling onto the spiderweb didn't you? But shit did not go the way you wanted and now you're mad at yourself too.
"But what? Are there some other emotions she makes you feel?" Dr. Haynes asked and I rolled my eyes, yeah you know everything shut up.
"Yes, so many emotions at once. Hatred, love? I mean I think it's love? I don't know. Doubt. She makes me doubt my own emotions and thoughts. I thought I hated her with a strong passion and that hatred made me go insane, and now I think I've actually hurt someone that for once actually cared for me, THE REAL SARGENT. I enjoyed hurting her in so many wicked ways...I hurt her in such a way, I know there's no going back. She also made me feel...Complete? Warm? I don't know everything is so fucked up" I ended my rant and held my head in my hands, stupid fucking idiot. That's what I am.
"How did you feel during the time...Of hurting her? What thoughts were running in your head?"
"At the beginning I was raging. I was on fire with such hatred for her, she was this girl who was always there, in my fucking business, thinking that she could win and play tricks on me and get away with it. She thought she was so clever and a "know it all" but I knew she wasn't that girl. I saw right through her, she was just as broken as me, maybe a little more sane and a little less broken but there was a crack right here on her too." I said and pointed to my heart and Dr.Haynes nodded her head and motioned for me to keep going while taking notes.
"But some time went and I caught myself caring about her, you know? I was jealous of other people hurting her? I wanted to be the only reason she cried? I know it sounds fucking sick but I couldn't live with the tought that some other dickhead made her cry? She was...Mine? She was fucking mine and no one can mess with what's mine.
Those happy times I spent with her also made me hate MYSELF even more. Hah, can you believe it...I was hurting myself while trying to hurt her. Well, trying...I did end up hurting her. And fucking hell I've been trying to bury this and ignore it but fuck I regret it okay! I fucking regret it. I regret it all. Because those times I spent with her, oh god, I would pay to have those days on repeat. Seeing us, two, together, genuinely smiling and laughing was...something else"
"Did you hurt her emotionally or physically?"
"Excuse me? What the fuck do you think that I am? You should ask those questions to fucking Adler. I will never ever lay a hand on any women let alone Willow!" I burst and she noted my outburst down too. Great.
"Who's Adler?"
"Please can we focus on the girl? I'm actually trying to talk about her." I admitted while shaking my leg, I was stressed okay? I don't like talking about my emotions, it makes me feel vulnerable.
"You say that you regret it -hurting her- but just a few minutes ago you said that you enjoyed hurting her. How come?"
"Ugh I don't know. I guess I actually started liking her in my own sick way but I enjoyed hurting her too. I don't know how but just as I mentioned, I wanted to be the only one hurting her. But fuck, If I could just turn back time, I would've never ever hurt her. I regret it."
"What did you do to her?"
"I planned it all out right after she played a sick prank on me. I swore that I would hurt her back. I acted friendly at once, sometimes it was not an act, like when we went out and ate ice cream. She laughed at my choice of flavor and to be honest that day I totally forgot about my plan because it genuinely felt like I was talking to someone very special to me. I can't explain why it felt like that, but her personality was like no one's I've met. But then my hatred absorbed this -caring- emotion I had for her and I-I made her fall in love with me. And I enjoyed the thought of her heart crushing in my palm. But it did not end like that. She found out about my plan and I haven't seen her since then..." I stopped but continued.
"And I fucking hate to say this but I-
...fucking miss her like crazy"
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SURPRISE chapter heheheheheh. Hope you liked it, poor Sargent and his emotions.
Don't forget to vote and leave your thoughts on todays chapter (43) :)
