Love To Hate You (EDITING)

sixty seven - "In the middle of a lily field, I found a rose, covered in thorns"

S A R G E N T

I thought I was finally done, done with the darkness falling over my life like a shadow. I thought I had found the sun, the rainbow and colors I could never put a name on...every time I looked into her eyes.

I understand her now. But I can't seem to stop blaming myself now that I've read the letters over and over again. Willow...she saw through me like an open book, she read me like her favorite poetry and she understood me before she even read the first sentence.

But I was too blinded by the colors she made me see for the first time. Now that she's gone I feel like all the time before her, I was a blind man. She made me see life with colors with her existence but now that she's gone, I'm blind again. No colors.

I took the fifth paper from the paper folder and tried writing a letter again. I can't send it to her...but I can write down the words I never got to tell her down. I have to do something to cope with the pain.

"I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or angry at myself for not seeing the struggle you were going through. If you could just send me something, tell me how you are, where you are...I could try to forgive myself for not seeing the truth that stood right before me.

The talks, the looks, the smiling...I was blind to it all. Blinded by my first love. I'm so sorry. I know that you didn't give me a clue of where you are because you know that I will find you and kill that fucking bastard who forced you into this but ugh! Nothing is the same without you...your energy and that amazing smile of yours is not around to see and everyday is a storm for me. The storm that tore us apart is nothing compared to the storm I'm going through everyday.

I miss your eyes, your scent and everything about you. Everything around me is proof that you're gone...forever.

I haven't given up though, don't even think that. Your stubbornness is nothing compared to mine. I'll find you Willow. Either way, even if I don't find you, I believe that you're my soulmate, you're my perfect missing puzzle piece. And if we're meant to be, we'll find back to each other like doves in love.

I'll never, ever, leave you. Once we find each other, I'll never let go of you.

In the middle of a lily field, I found a rose, covered in thorns. I picked it up, despite all the thorns, entering my skin, the blood running leaving marks the same way you left yours, I still held on to the rose. I still held on to it, the way I'm holding on to you. I picked the rose despite all the pain I went through. The pain so worth going through. You. You, Willow. You're the rose and just like the thorns you're already under my skin. No matter how painful holding onto you is, I'm never letting you go"

-Your one and only,

Sargent.

I threw the letter into the trash can, unsatisfied with the words. Just as I was about to leave for my therapist appointment, I reached for the letter and tried fixing the crumpled paper.