1991

1991 Part 29

Two Weeks Later.

I flick through the pages of a magazine idly while I wait. Rain is lashing down the front window of the coffee shop, making the interior even more cozy, with Christmas lights flickering and jolly seasonal music playing. I however, am hunched in the corner like the grinch with my giant gingerbread latte. I didn't even want it, I only ordered it so they wouldn't kick me out. Food and drink has lost all appeal in the last two weeks, except for alcohol which has become my new best friend. When you can't sleep nights you need something to do.

I sigh heavily and play with the foam with my spoon. I've been waiting for almost half an hour for him to arrive and my stomach is in nervous knots. The last time I saw him was that night at Kirst's, that was the last time I saw anyone except for Kev and Becky. Since then I've not left the house, except for school. At least I've not failed on that front, I'm still going and I'm actually throwing myself into my work again. Kirst is the worst part. She won't speak to me, at all. I've tried calling every day. The first few days I called non-stop but then it went straight to the machine and I gave up leaving messages after the fiftieth. I even wrote her letters. Not having my best friend around to talk to is eating me up inside, I didn't realise how much I relied on her for support. I can't believe that I used to complain that she was too loud and obnoxious and demanding. Now looking back, now that she's not here with me, I know those things are what is so great about her. She's fearless, she can make the most mundane things fun, truth is she made me more fun. I feel like a shadow of a person without her at my side. She doesn't even need to like me any more I just need to know that she's ok, I can't bear the thought of the hurt I've caused her. 

I'm about to put the magazine down and leave my drink when the bell above the door rings and he comes in. I take a sharp intake of breath seeing him again, it seems so weird to see someone who only a couple of weeks ago had become a part of my life. He looks tired, really tired, there are dark shadows under his usually very pretty eyes, in a way it makes him look even more detached and model-like than before. The scowl he's wearing adds to the effect. If you didn't know him you'd mistake it for brooding.

"Hey."

"Hey." This is horribly awkward and uncomfortable, should we hug or kiss? I go to stand and then think better of it. 

"I'm going to grab a drink, d'you want...?" He points to the counter with a thumb over his shoulder.

"No, no...thanks, I'm good." I indicate the bucket of untouched coffee in front of me. The pungent smell of gingerbread and warm milk is making feel a little queasy so I push it away slightly.

He goes to the counter and orders something, a black coffee I guess because the barista places a mug down instantly. I try to think of something to say when he returns.

"You look...er...better," I offer as he sits down opposite me and takes a tentative sip of his drink.

"Yeah...right," he snorts, "I couldn't look much worse." He catches my eye as he looks up and my heart twists in my chest. He looks haunted. 

"I'm sorry," I say quietly.

He doesn't say anything, just looks down and adds more sugar to his coffee. 

"So what are we gonna do Sam?" he asks sadly almost as though it's a joke.

I shrug. I've no idea what we're going to do. Part of me thinks it would be easier to just get up, walk out the door and not look back. All this heartache and violence has happened in the space of three short weeks, is it really worth prolonging it? I've had enough of the lies and mistrust and arguing, most of it has been my fault anyway. It seems to me that they'd all be better off without me. Except for Kirst. I miss her so much, not seeing her is breaking my heart.