1991

1991 Part 30

"This isn't going to work!" 

"For god's sake have a little faith, woman," Becky pleads and drags me by the hand towards the bar entrance.

"I can't do this!" I announce and stop dead in the street, planting my feet firmly. 

"You've come this far Sam, come on, it's just what...ten more steps to the door and then maybe twenty inside and you'll have done it!"

Becky is looking at me with great, big, brown puppy eyes. She's a fantastic emotional support partner, I have to admit. If anyone can get me to walk into this bar it's Becky. 

"God!" I groan frustratedly to the sky and cover my face with my hands, "this is too difficult!"

"Of course it's difficult Sam, you kissed her boyfriend. It was never going to be easy facing up to what you did but I know you can do it," Becky urges, rubbing my arm.

"It's not that I'm worried about, it's her making a run for it as soon as she sees me that worries me most," I whinge.

Becky straightens up, levels her gaze and looks me in the eye. 

"I honestly don't think she will sweetheart, it's been what? Three months? Maybe more? She's moved on and you need to as well, this is eating you up and will do for the rest of your life unless you sort it out now. Tonight."

I look at Becky and feel an immense surge of gratitude. After everything Becky is the one who stayed with me, she talked to me tirelessly, sympathised when no one else would talk to me and never got sick of me feeling sorry for myself. She's become my closest friend, my only friend in fact apart from Kev. 

Becky is still friends with Kirst though, they hang out all the time but she never mentions her. It's like this unspoken thing she insisted on, otherwise it was too uncomfortable for her, maintaining both friendships. She didn't want to talk about each of us behind our backs so she doesn't, which makes sense. Becky is the classiest person I know. It works well, but it doesn't stop me wondering what Kirst is doing, every single day. 

I do know that Kirst and Stone are no longer together, that happened a week or so after I met him in the coffee shop, which wasn't a big surprise. Stone was clearly struggling with juggling growing success and the idea of starting a relationship, all part of his weird crisis phase, which he seems to finally have a handle on now, according to Kev. Kev keeps in touch with Stone and Chris, they've become quite close so Stone is round at ours occasionally but we don't hang out. We both agreed that it would be better if we didn't, for the band although we never said it explicitly, it's just this unspoken thing. If we see each other we just nod and smile and carry on. I don't linger, I'm not sure why but it feels like the right thing to do. Stone wasn't really interested in me but it seems better to not push it. We don't stop and talk, what would be the point? Stone needed to do whatever was necessary to ensure the band stayed together. It's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things, but I still miss him, my sarcasm buddy, Scrunch. 

The most positive news to come out of this whole debacle is that Pearl Jam are still together and going strong, really strong. It sounds like they're gradually becoming huge, like stratospheric huge. They're touring non-stop so there's no danger of me of running into any of them, which kinda makes me happy but if I'm honest sometimes makes me sad. I've imagined what it would be like, if one day I bumped into Eddie, somewhere normal like in a club or at the grocery store. When I think of him it gives me a feeling that's like a mix between excitement and dread. I've pictured it in my head a thousand times, what I'd say and what he'd say and of course I would say the perfect thing, which would convince him that it was all so innocent and he won't hate me anymore. Sometimes I was desperate for it to happen, to bump into him, but some days I was too afraid to leave my house. Lucky for me I never saw him again, afterwards.