We walk through this damp alleyway, the light reflecting off the floor, just as the first time. Little memories replay in my head one by one.
"Mummy, I left my bag indoors."
"We're going to be late.... I'll race you upstairs"
I look at Harry as his head wanders around, orbiting like the sun, exploring the foreign place. Though for me, I remember every last detail.
"Tobias, there's a flower on you." I pick up a Blossom from his soft cheeks.
My hands brim the glass doors as I hesitate to open them.
I never thought it would be this hard.
It's too late to go back.
Plus, I get to see my family again.
But I also get to see the place where I killed Tobs.
I'm so sorry.
"You're a fucking monst-"
I clench my watering eyes shut, trying to hide the pain and guilt away from the place that I used to love all so much.
I open up my eyes once again, as I once step closer to seeing the place where I thought was home.
Finally, I push open the glass door as my heart floods with memories. I feel Harry's eyes on my pained face as he brushes his hands against my back.
"Houghton," I say to the lady at the front, realising how shaky and nervous I am.
The smell of fresh paint fills my lungs just as it did all those years ago. The terrible floor pattern hasn't changed, which makes me smile.
"Mummy why is the floor like that?"
"I just think it's one of the many quirks of this place, Lunie."
Harry squeezes my hand, comforting me. I don't know how he can hold on to hands as clammy and shaky as mine.
I swipe my hands over the railings of the stairs, the coldness spreading throughout my body, as I try to gain some strength to go on further.
"Can you take the first step?" I whisper, unable to speak any louder. I sense him nodding as he takes the first step, his hand not leaving mine.
"You okay?" He asks as I slowly take my first step.
I remember my mother reciting our room number unconsciously, not concentrating on the world around us. I remember her golden hair bobbing with each step she takes, her sea-blue eyes twinkling in the light.
I look over the spot where my dad was that day. I remember the crevices under his dark brown eyes whilst he smiles, sometimes for no reason at all. I remember his afro shaved hair that I loved the most. I remember his loud and hysterical laughter.
I feel like I'm in this movie where I visit the past.
I feel like I'm watching one of the many Polaroid pictures I took. I remember the feeling of happiness from within when dad gave me in for Christmas. Light blue. My favourite colour at the time.
"For me? Yay, yay! Thank you, daddy! This is the bestest day ever!"
I smile at the replaying memories, like a song I used to play over and over again, not knowing I've made it to the top.
"207...207...207." I whisper unconsciously, searching for the door that I used to go to each day. I can't believe I forgot. I mean, I wanted to forget everything. "Oh, there it is." I stop in my tracks.
"Let's go to the cafe dad!"
"Calm down, Luna." He says Luna starts losing hope "We haven't gone to the park yet!"
This is it.
"Blossom," Harry says, cutting off all the dark, nerve-wracking thoughts in my head. "You don't have to do it if you're not comfortable with it. You look like you're in so much pain and I don't want you to go in there thinking that you've killed someone. I love you too much for that."
I swallow my thoughts inside of me. I go on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek. "I'll stay out here if you're more comfortable with that," He says, knowing I'm going in there regardless of how guilty I feel.
I shake my head "No. Come in with me. Please. I don't want to go in alone."
I watch as he smiles faintly, nodding in agreement.
I thought this candle had burned out.
Turns out, there's still a tiny bit left.
I want to, once again, enjoy the scent.
