Equally Lost (Kyohaba)

Chapter 54

Kyotani's POV:

Ups and downs and ups and downs, over and over again. How many more will we have to fight until we both get our peace? I've settled on more than three. The dream I had not so long ago isn't as scary as it was at first. Now, it seems more like a fantasy disguised as a nightmare. It wasn't pretty, not really, but it was simple and ended as peacefully as I'd expect my life to end. 

Now, there's not really a simple groundwork to start with. Before, at least we had a good and bad, black and white when it came to knowing what was happening. Now, with Father being whatever he is,(I don't really have a clue), it's a disaster. We were planning on moving into the mansion, but there's no way to tell that my mother isn't the mastermind Father said she was. Or if they're both in on it? 

So many ups and downs. 

I sit in the shower by myself, letting the freezing water all fall down onto my face. It stung my eyes. I don't even think as happily as I did back at the cabin anymore. There, my thoughts were short and simple compared to now. I didn't think in long waves then. I mean, there wasn't much of a need, was there? 

I was happy. So, so happy. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life, to be honest. In my more desire-filled dreams, I'm still back in that stupid, little, cabin with the love of my life. In the best of them, we never leave the woods. Instead of living amongst the people, we are forever in a miniature world of our greatest dreams. No pressures, no societal rule to live within, just me and my beloved. 

Most likely, the thought of such a thing will remain forever in those dreams. 

I hear someone saying something, but I can't understand them. The thoughts and flowing water have taken over everything. I guess that now I have the time to think. A horrible blessing, if you would ask me, but safe enough that there's nobody around that could cause the thought to change into something worse. What more should I focus on in this time to release my struggles?

 I've finally gotten over the idea of leaving. Yeah, good of me to have chosen to no longer abandon my partner and pity myself for it when things get tough. Everything bad's gotten louder though. The inside of my brain constantly crying out, "You're hurting him! You're hurting him!" louder and louder every time something spirals out of my control. They scream at me, and it seems I've lost my voice from trying to scream back. So I just sit there and listen, trying to tell myself that it's all lies.

The door I locked opens. There's a voice, but I still can't hear it. I must have struck a nerve because everything else inside my brain has only gotten louder. Something gently touches my head. I look up, and I don't really see it. Slowly he fades into view. Shigeru.

He tries to talk to me. I can't speak, I can't move, I can't even hear this time. I just blink at him with an empty expression. He seems sad. It makes everything become angry at me. He's probably angry at me too. Anger and sadness really are the same, deep down. He asks me something else and I once again remain still. 

I notice the absence of water. The shower has been turned off. I enjoyed that, even though it was just me being yelled at. I feel something at my back and my legs and realize I'm being picked up. Shigeru takes me out of the shower, puts me in a towel, and carries me out of the bathroom to our room. 

I can slowly start to hear the sounds again as the world stops being only inside my head. Footsteps and a faint ringing show up. My vision becomes clearer. As everything starts coming back to me I nearly cry. I really just decided to let myself shut down like that. And now Shigeru has to deal with the consequences. I suppose that is something he has always done when I screw up, but it won't change the fact that I feel awful about it every time.