Along the way ( Province #1 )

Kabanata 37

In life, there's always a two reasons behind your doing, thinking without acting and acting without thinking. I've never imagined I will chose the latter. All I could think that time was to get what I wanted and not avoid him.

Pero kung ganoon lang kadali limutin ang lahat. Edi sana ang mundong ito, punong-puno ng kasiyahan. But, if the world was always filled with happiness, no hatred, no pain. How would you imagined your life? What color? A rainbow? Then if it is, how about we think the gray one. I guess, without this pain, hatred we will never know the meaning of life.

There are many uncertainties. And along the way of the pain, hatred all we could do was to be brave and grow. We don't know what's worth it and what is not. But I think chosing the latter made me free myself from pain.

I close my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. What happened last night bring back the memories on how I ended everything.

"I will not come back, just forget me." Pinal kong sabi.

Abel's eyes suddenly filled with rage and pain. His eyes reflects fire that were dancing along with the darkness.

"No! you're not going to leave me dito ka lang. Ayaw kitang mawala. Mababaliw ako." Madiin nitong sabi.

May kumiliti sa tiyan ko ng marinig ang mga salitang iyon. Shutting my eyes tighly, took a deep breath and look at his burning eyes.

"Abel," saying his name soflty.

Lumambot ang ekspresyon ng mukha nito. He moved towards me and held my face and carress it with full of gentleness.

"Please, baby... promise, walang iba. Ikaw lang. You're never been a mistress, you're never been an option, please. You're the only one for me, tangina wala ng iba, at wala ng hihigit pa." he said with full of love and authority.

"Abel!" sigaw ko na sa pangalan nito. Knocking him off from his senses.

Hinawakan ko ang dalawang kamay nito sa mukha ko. I gently carress it, I sighed and close my eyes. Pinipigilan ang nagbabaydyang mga luha. Ilang minuto kaming hindi nagkikibuan at pinakikiramdaman lang ang hininga ng bawat isa.

Abel's rough hands gently took my right arm. With his tense jaw and cold eyes, he stared on the scars that damaged my skin. He muttered multiple of curses, while gently caressing the scars with his thumb.

Surprise, he lift up my arm and place a soft kiss on it repeatedly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry baby..." paulit-ulit hinahalikan ang peklat sa aking pala pulsuhan.

"I love you Abel..."

Abel's body stiffened. He looked at me surprised. Napapikit ito at hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo ko sa sayang nararamdaman.

"Fuck! I love you too..." masayang sabi nito.

"... But please, let me go first Abel." Pag susumamo ko.

Nawala ang ngiti at saya nito sa mukha.

"No! I won't!' pag tanggi niya.

"I love you Abel!" I shouted. "... but please, let me find myself first. Hayaan mo naman muna akong mahalin ang sarili ko. Ako muna," hot tears finally stirred down on my face.

Abel open his mouth but later on he insisted to shut it. Lose for words.

"All my life I followed what my parents wanted me to do, I became a robot. But thanks for them anyway. Kung hindi ako sumunod sa kanila ng araw na pinapupunta sa probinsya. Hindi kita makikilala..." pagsabi ko ng totoo. Finally letting my guard off.

"Don't you love me?" he said with pain and hatred.

"No! I love you, but please, let us find ourselves first. Mahalin muna natin ang sarili natin. Pain will only devours us if we forced ourselves if we still both in pain." Pag sabi ko.

Lumayo sa akin si Abel, he placed his hands on his face and harshly wipe it. Suminghap ito ng malakas habang nakatingala sa itaas. When his eyes landed at me, it was full of coldness yet redness was visible at the corner of his eyes.

With my heart still in pain, with my hands trembling with coldness and with my knees wobbling, I find myself moving towards him. When I reaced his place, I lift up my hand, and gently carress his face. The coldness that enveloped his eyes vanished. Siniksik nito ang mukha sa maliit kong kamay at hinalikan.

"Mahal kita, hahanapin ko lang sarili ko. I will always love you Abel..."

Tumingkayad ako at sa panibagong una at huling pagkakataon. I kissed his lips. He respond with tears between our kisses.

"Kapag hindi mo nahanap ang sarili mo, ako ang hahanap sa'yo at ibabalik sa tabi ko." He said swear, yet pain still was visible in there.

Tumango lang ako at sa huling pagkakataon hinalikan ang noo niya.

Along the way of loving him, I lose, I stumble. Yet, Along the way of loving him, I managed to get up and willing to find and love myself first.

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