Along the way ( Province #1 )

Kabanata 36

That night, I go home safely, still thinking how I've spent my day together with Joshua. Sa totoo lang, bawat oras at minuto na nagdaan, hindi nawawala sa isipan ko na, palaging may kulang. May hinahanap ako sa buong pagkatao ko na kulang. Is it because I still caged myself in pain?

Or is it because I can't still admit the fact that I am missing someone. And that someone, gives me enough pain that made me lose myself.

"Hey, Gracia. Want to come for tonight?" said Laide my classmate, with her bold red lipsticks.

"Pass, I've got things to do." Simple kong pagtanggi.

Laide rolled her eyes at me. Giving me her disappointed remarks. "Got things to do eh?" she placed her clutch bag on my desk and snatch away the pen and notebook in my hand. "... for all I know, you're just trying to be a good daughter."

Nawala ang atensyon ko sa sinusulatan kong papel ng kuhain niya sa akin iyon. I gave her my intense glare. Pero, hindi pa rin ito natinag. I sighed, defetead.

She laughed, seeing my affected face. This bitch! She really knows how to pissed someone with her big bad mouth.

"Loosen up dear, you're making it hard for yourself. We need to study, but don't let it take away your time to have some fun. Ikaw rin, mukha ka ng gurang." Pang aasar at sabi nito ng totoo.

This is what I like her the most, she's a bitch. Pero lahat ng sinasabi nito ay tama at may saysay.

"Ano? Wanna Join tonight?" showing her charming yet bitch smile.

"I'm in," I said determined.

Loud noise, smoke in the air, dancing people, making out with each other. Welcome my presence. I saw myself standing not so far away in between, kung saan may nalalampungan na babae at lalaki. It's not new to me. I've been here, once twice? Too many to count.

"Come on, Gracey, you've been here almost a hundred times, don't act so innocent. Tara na" kabig at agaw atensyon sa akin ni Laide.

Napatinuod ako sa kanya, at hinayaan kung saan niya ako gusting dalhin. Oo nga't maraming beses na akong naka punta rito. Pero nakalimutan ko na ang pakiramdam kung anong klaseng pakiramdam ang bibibigay ng lugar na ganito.

The blinding lights seems hurtful for my eyes. May hinahanap ako na kulay na gustong gusto kong balikan. It's just one color but enough to give light and peace for my soul. Green, I miss the simple yet mesmerizing grass that gives me calmness.

I breathed and close my eyes. I coughed two times, pumasok sa ilong ko ang amoy ng sigarilyo, For once, I though I could smelled some fresh air, but all I could get was a toxic air, filling this room. God! I am crazy! Of course Gracia! You're at the bar, not on the province!

I shrugged the thoughts away and tried to focus on my surroundings. Yeah! might as well enjoy this night. Oo nga't nakalimutan ko na ang pakiramdam ang binibigay na lugar na ito. Because another place butt in and made me feel secured and safe. But in the end, it cause me pain and regret.

Nang may dumaan sa harapan ko na waiter, hindi ako nagdalawang isip na kumuhang baso sa hawak nitong tray na may lamang alak. The bitter taste of alcohol, once again welcome my calm system. It's time to get wild!

Kung kanina si Laide ang pilit na humahatak sa akin kung saan, ngayon ako naman ang humatak dito papunta sa dance floor. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko, pero hindi nagtagal ay tumawa ito at nakisabay na rin sa agos ng mga taong nagsasayawan.

I grind my hips sensually, move my butt sexily. Bit my lips seductively. And open my eyes that feels so heavy.

"Yeah! That's it gracey babe! Why so sexy?" tili at tawa sa akin ni Laide sabay palo sa puwitan ko.

Hindi ko ito ininda at tumawa na lang kasabay niya. Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang basong may laman na alak na ang inaabot sa akin ni Laide, basta ang alam ko lang, Gusto kong makalimot. Gusto kong magpakasaya.

Paulit-ulit ang bawat malaswang galaw ko sa katawan ko. At nang mag angat ako ng tingin, I saw a man standing furiously, looking at me with his intense glare. His eyes screams fire, melting the coldness of my stomach. Hindi ko alam kung pinaglalaruan ako ng mga mata ko, lalo na ang damdamin ko, pero parang sigurado ako sa nakikita ko ngayon. Abel! I whispered into the air. Nanuot ang pait at sakit sa akin ng muli kong banggitin ang pangalan na iyon. How I wished I was only dreaming. But it felt surreal!

Nawala ang tingin ko sa kanya ng may mala bakal na pumulupot sa bewang ko. Kiniskis nito ang gilid sa akin dahilan para manindig ang balahibo ko sa kaba. Nilingon kung sino ito.

'It's nice to see you again," bulong nito sa tenga ko.

I know this guy! He's Yaella's cousin. Matagal ko ng hindi gusto ang tabas ng ugali ng lalaking ito. Umpisa pa lang hindi na maganda ang pakiramdam ko dito. At tama nga ako.Sa paglapit at kiskis pa lag sa akin nito ng katawan, alam kong may iba na itong motibo.

"Get the fuck off of me!" marahas kong tanggal sa mahigpit nitong kapit sa manipis kong bewang.

Ilang beses pa akong nagpupumiglas, nang biglang may humaklit na magsapang at matigas na kamay sa aking braso. Shocked, I saw Abel with his murderous stares. I gulped. So it's real. He's real.

"Let go," banayad pero madiin nitong utos.

"Huh! Who are you? Ikaw dapat ang bumitaw, she's my girl friend." Pagsisinungaling ng pinsa ni Yaella.

Abel's jaw clenched, he tilted his head and let me go. Nasaktan ako sa ginawa nitong pag bitaw sa akin. Tumalikod ito dahilan para lumawak ang ngisi ng huli. Nanlumo ako sa nsaksihan, pero napalitan ito ng gulat ng bigla itong bumalik at inilang hakbang ang pagitan namin. Malakas at marahas na pinapalat ang mabigat na kamao sa pinsan ni Yaella.

"I hate repeating myself! It's better and faster this way, better talk to my hand" Abel's said dangerously, looking at the guy on the floor, with its mouth bleeding.

Maraming tumigil at napagawi ang atensyon sa amin. And me, I'm still in shocked. Still my eyes at the guy on the floor, Abel pulled me in his arms and gently take me away, out of the crowd.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman sa oras na ito. I should be mad! I should cursed at him. Pero bakit hindi ko magawa?!

Nakarating kami sa madilim na parte sa labas kung saan walang masyadong dumadaan na tao. I should be scared by his eyes, that screams madness. But I feel safe.

Surprised. Abel, pulled me to him and caged me In his monolithic arms. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, kasabay ng pagbilis ng hininga ko. I missed this, I missed his warmth, I missed him. Pero sa kabila ng pagka ulila ko sa kanya, isa lang ang nangingibabaw. Sakit. A pain that still hunts me and caging me until now.

"Damn woman! I fucking missed you so much," sabi nito habang paulit-ulit na binibigayan ako ng halik sa ulo ko.

I miss you too... Salitang alam kong hindi ko pwedeng sabihin. I don't want to give him false hope. Yes, I miss him. A lot. But I'm not ready to forgive, I'm still full of doubt and still scared.

Imbis na ibalik ang masuyo at malabing nitong yakap, with all my strength and his out of control weakness. I pushed him harshly. Enough to make him get away from me.

"B-bakit?" all I could say.

Abel give me his confused yet sad eyes. He tried to move towards me, but I took a stepped back.

"... bakit ka pa bumalik?"

Abel caughted his breath. Tumingala ito at huminga ng malalim, pnipiglan ang nagbabadyang mga luha.

"Please, come back baby, I fucking miss you, I'm sorry..." nagsusumamo nitong sabi.

Lies! lies! pilit sigaw ng utak ko. Pero iba naman ang dinidikta ng puso ko. They're arguing again for this man in front of me.

"I will not come back, just forget me." Pinal kong sabi.

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