Learning To Love

chapter 8

When I arrived to work, I sat in my car for a moment. I would make sure Matilda and Mary were left with a good memory of me. I fixed my hair, and practiced a good smile in my mirror. Luckily I showered last night and ended up sleeping in decent enough clothes. A black shirt with grey track pants. It wasn't the nicest looking thing, but it's better than three day old clothes.

I got in the habit of sleeping in clothes I could leave the house in, since I seemed to just leave the second I got up.

I took a deep breath.

You can do this...

I got out of the car, my bag on my back. I walked into the coffeeshop and I could feel a lump forming in my throat. The guilt. The guilt of knowing I'm leaving.

I went through the employee door and headed towards the bathroom.

"Hey Ollie, are you feeling better?" Mary asked as I walked by. I put on a cheery smile.

"As good as I'll ever get!"

I whistled as I headed towards the bathroom, something I noticed I usually did when I was happy. Quickly changing into my uniform, tying my hair back and placing the hat snug on my head, I took a moment longer to look at myself in the mirror. Savouring the last moments I'd be wearing this uniform.

I headed out the door, a bounce to my walk. Matilda went out to the front to clean tables. I frowned. I wanted as much time with them both as possible.

"You seem chipper today?" Mary questioned as I washed my hands before grinding coffee.

"Its just a good day," I smiled, spinning the wheel as toasted beans crushed, the smell filled the entire kitchen. I loved grinding coffee, there was something soothing about it.

Mary started boiling fresh pots of coffee, one dark roast and one light. When I finished grinding, I started portioning them into bags, sealing and dating them.

"The baby kept me up all morning, I barely got any sleep." She groaned, frothing milk.

"What was it this time?" I asked and thought back on my promise, now an empty one. If I left, I couldn't watch her baby if she needed me. Though, I'm sure she could easily find someone else. She had lots of family, though she never liked to count on them.

"Apparently, this new baby food I tried to give her did not agree with her stomach. Poor thing was pooping bombs." She chuckled and I shook my head.

"Gosh Mary, you have such a way with words!" I teased and she giggled.

"I know, I know. I think you have a customer." She pointed towards the counter and a lady stood there waiting patiently. I nodded and approached the counter.

"Hello! What can I get you today?" I asked in an excited voice. The older lady smiled before answering.

"Just a coffee dear. Two sugars, some milk. I'd like to sit over there." She pointed at a table near a window to the right.

"Of course, you can sit anywhere you like! That's gonna be $3.25, is that all?" She nodded, handing me $4.00. as I went to give her the change, she shook her head and started walking to her table.

"That's really sweet, thank you." I put the change in the tip jar and headed towards the kitchen, making her order.

When I was finished, I went through the employee door and walked it out to her. Usually you just shout the order, and they come to get it. But she was an older woman who reminded me of Gloria, so I didn't mind being extra caring. Besides, it was my last day.

"Oh, thank you dear." She smiled, her rosy little cheeks lifting up to her eyes. I smiled back and returned to the kitchen after Matilda.

"Hey Ollie! I see your sleeping better!" She cheered and I chuckled. Not exactly...

"Yeah, much! You look really nice today." I complimented and she pretended to flip her hair.

"Of course I do!" She giggled and Mary scoffed.

"Look, when you two are done flirting over there, I need more cups and honey!" Mary shouted and Matilda held back a smile.

"Pfft as if! Sorry Ollie, but your like a brother to me..." She rested her hand on my arm with a teasing sympathetic look on her face.

I smiled. "Oh please, I already pull enough girls at concerts," And I took my turn pretending to flip my hair. Matilda rolled her eyes but chuckled anyway.

I headed to the storage, grabbing cups and a box of honey packets. I found myself with a dumb smile on my face.

I would miss these two...

As the day passed by and we got through the afternoon rush, many thoughts passed my mind.

Should I leave a note? Or was that too cliche?

No, its best just to leave in silence, then I won't cause anyone harm. Then they'll be guessing why, wondering if it was thier fault. Maybe I could write a note, all it would say is Robert. 19 years of dealing with abuse seemed like a good enough reason.

I sighed, I still felt numb. Even after being around these two today, though it did make me feel slightly better and in the moment, everything felt and seemed perfectly normal. But, I was still numb. No pain, no sorrow, no pity, no anxiety. Just plain old numbness, I didn't even feel that bad that I was leaving, though I know I should.

I thought about how many times I've had this talk with myself. I thought about the pills I swallowed, the alcohol I drank, the bridges I visited. It never went through, someone caught me, or I backed out. But, the other times, I did feel bad, I did feel pity and sorry.

This time, I felt nothing. That's how I knew, this was real.