Learning To Love

chapter 10

We're already at chapter ten! Thank you so much for reading up to this part! I hope your enjoying the story!

I entered the building through the exit doors, walking back to the kitchen. I wrote the time I got off my break beside the other note. It had only been 10 minutes. I had a lot to register right now. I had a lot to think about.

I didn't feel numb anymore.

I felt everything, I felt the fear and pain from this morning, knowing I'd have to go back and face him.

I felt the guilt and sadness of wanting to take my own life again. But once again, not going through with it. It made me feel pathetic. Like I was just an emotional wreck who begged for attention.

Barbara always said that any suicidal thought was valid and real, that we shouldn't ignore them or pity them. But to understand them and cure them.

I miss going to those group sessions. Therapy at the time wasn't really my thing, but two years ago I was also in the worst place of my life. After healing and getting better, I appreciate the help I got a lot more than I did then.

Relief settled when I realized I got through it, I didn't relapse. I stayed strong and fought the urge. I still wanted them though. I wanted the taste, the smell, the feeling. But now the emotions were mixed.

The cravings for drugs were the same as when I saw him. I guess it was easy to say, I was addicted to both.

The search for happiness is what it really was. The drugs made me happy becuase I couldn't feel sad when I was on them, I just forgot about everything. My friends made me happy, but not like he does.

Being in love was different, it consumed every part of you. Being in love for two years with someone who didn't bat an eye at you until now, was agony.

I wasn't going to do it.

I wouldn't have to apologize. I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of giving up on everyone. A rush of tears overwhelmed me.

How selfish could I be? Leaving these two beautiful woman, letting them think everything was okay. My friends wouldn't even find out right away, then it would hit them. Wether I believed it or not, people would miss me. If I left, I would hurt them. I couldn't allow that. I would forever be in their debt, for keeping me alive, for making it worth it. All the pain and suffering, I'd go through all over again as long as I could keep these people forever.

Stupid, stupid selfish fool.

Tears started to fall down my face without my permission. As I walked into the kitchen, Mary looked over, realization hitting her.

She instantly walked over to me, worried and confused. Before she could ask anything, say a word, I pulled her close to me.

She froze in my arms, not really knowing what was happening.

Mary, the mother I never had.

She soon relaxed and hugged me back.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, she rubbed my back soothingly.

"I knew you weren't okay..."

I pulled away, wiping my face with my hands. Everything was a mess. I was a mess, a spiralling disaster.

"I am now. I'm just going through alot at the moment. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to smother you." I fixed my uniform, feeling embarrassed.

Mary gave me a comforting smile, fixing a button on my shirt.

"You'll be alright kiddo. And it's alright, I don't mind. As long as your okay! You've always been like a son to me." She said it in passing, walking around me to grab more sugar.

I stood there, shocked.

Did she really mean that? Or was she just saying it to be kind.

She looked at me, her eyes darting side to side.

"Uh, sorry. Was that weird?" She put on a joking smile, embarrassment blushing her cheeks.

My lips pulled into a smile. No Mary, it wasn't weird, it was about the most perfect thing you could've said.

There was no way I could leave. Not now, not ever. How could I be so blind, so dull?

I knew I had more than enough reasons not to live, but I had just as many to stay as well. One of them standing right infront of me.

A wave of guilt flushed me again. I felt so ungrateful. How do I let myself spiral so far out of control?

"No. That means a lot to me." My heart felt whole, she nodded smiling.

"Cool." She smirked and walked away. Classic Mary. She had a hard time showing affection, sort of an awkward one when it came to being social too. She was cool, collecting, and well controlled. As chill as she was, she was very professional, observant and quick thinking. I liked her becuase she adapted to every situation.

Of course she meant it, Mary doesn't say things she doesn't mean. To her, its a waste of breath.

Mary reminded me nothing of my mother.

My mother was red headed, perky, overly optimistic and bouncy. Though, after my father ruined her, she became unbearable.

She would scream at me, beg me to help her. I was too scared, always too afraid. It was my fault she le-

I quickly shook my head, dragging the thoughts back where they belonged. Far, far behind everything else. My doctor told me to confront my memories when I was ready, she was concerned it might trigger my mental health, since I already had very extreme anxiety. I still don't think I was ready to revisit those times, but I couldn't always control the memories that came flushing in.

I quickly got myself busy, sweeping the floor of sugar and coffee grounds. My shift ended at 3:00 pm, I still had about 30 minutes left.

Matilda walked in, with a sad look on her face. I imagined Mary told her that I was upset.

"Hey Ollie, is everything okay? Mary told me you weren't feeling that well. That's weird, I thought you were actually pretty happy today?" She took the broom and dust pan from me, putting them away for me. I thanked her and leaned up against the counter.

"I was actually having a little bit of a rough day, but it got a lot better. I guess I was just kinda over reacting." I scratched my head awkwardly. I didn't like confessing my emotions to anyone, especially Matilda. I didn't like to burden her with my problems.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, you know Mary and I are always here for you! If you ever need anything, just let me know okay! Try to cheer up." She gave me a hopeful smile, her smile was always so innocent and sweet. Matilda always meant well, I smiled back and nodded.

"Thank you."