Learning To Love

chapter 29

We sat up against the wall, protected from the rain by the overhang of the slanted roof. Rain pelted and splattered around us.

"What are we going to do about Grayson?" I asked, rubbing my hands together as they numbed from the cold. Lucas let out a deep sigh.

"If he says he won't tell anyone, he won't. He's a dick, but not that bad." He had put the hoodie of his sweater over his head, making his figure look more mysterious and ghastly.

Lucas, the black shadow.

He was doing it again, the slanted shoulder. I thought for a moment about why he did it, have his right shoulder perked up, and left slanted down. I thought about how he was right handed, his first swing was always his right. He was on edge, fight or flight. His right arm was locked and loaded if he needed it. If Grayson pulled up with the band, ready to beat the living shit out of us.

That wouldn't happen. Would it?

Now I was on edge, I felt the need to be prepared. Should we leave? Rent a hotel for a night where no one could find us. Should we be hiding right now? I felt the urge to run to my car, dragging him with me and leaving this town.

No, it wouldn't happen.

Years of friendship couldn't possibly leave us to this.

The air felt thick, the smell of mud and dampness over took the smell of Lucas's cologne, but every now and then the wind would pick it up and blow it in my direction. When I caught the scent of it for the fifth time, it took me out of my daze.

His hand was on mine.

I didn't notice it before, how long has it been there? How long was I zoned out?

I turned to him, he was already looking at me. His face was pinched from the cold, the tip of his nose all red, and his light purple lips tinted blue.

"It'll be okay." He whispered, with this earnest look in his eye. I didn't know if he himself believed it but I knew he wanted to.

"I thought a lot about what you said." He looked away, staring out beyond the gravel road, to the wasteland of surrounding farm fields. His hand was so warm on mine, his skin so soft and gentle.

I decided not to say anything, which left us in silence for a moment while he thought about his next words or waited for me to hopefully spit them out for him.

"I can't be gay." His voice was low and dark. He inhaled deeply.

"But what we did tonight, it-" he exhaled.

"It felt right."

His hand softly squeezed mine. My heart was fluttering in my chest. I felt sparks ignite in my brain. I felt like I was on fire. I felt like I wanted to run a thousand miles, jump over a building, fly to the moon. While simultaneously I was drowning with no water, screaming with no sound, bleeding with no wounds, crying with no tears.

I was in limbo.

"What about you?" He looked over at me and for a moment I was confused.

What about me?

What about me? You know about me. I'd confessed to you, and you didn't say it back! I was the one to kiss you, I was the one to do everything. What about me? Do I have to say it again? Are you going to say it back? What about me? What about you?

"I-" I choked. All the air in my lungs was escaping, and none was coming in. I didn't know what to say.

Say it. Say it again. Tell him again. He wants you to say it. So say it. Say it!