Learning To Love

chapter 17

I grabbed my jacket and tool bag, tucking Lucas's shirt into my jeans.

"I'm sorry about the AC, but you'd be better off just buying a new one," I smiled awkwardly.

"No, its okay. Thanks for trying. Im sorry it ruined your shirt."

Lucas, you don't have to be sorry about a thing. Your AC ruining my shirt, was about one of the best things that could've happened today, becuase now, I was standing here wearing yours!

"I guess, next time I should make sure it's installed correctly, so it doesn't fall out and break again." A smirk played on his lips.

I shook my head, chuckling.

"Oh Lucas, what would we do without you," I opened the apartment door with my wet shirt, tool bag and jacket in my hands. Lucas followed after me, locking the apartment behind him.

"Probably have working air conditioning." He snickered and I turned back to look at him, raising an eyebrow. He just smiled in response, shrugging. We continued to walk down the hall towards the stairs.

"Pasta you say? Hmmm, I know a good place for pasta, I'll drive." I smiled to myself, I knew the perfect place.

When warm spring air blew through me, it was an awakening feeling. Reminding me that I was so far in the moment, as if living a dream, I was suddenly aware of everything around me.

I was aware of the sun shining warmly above, how it lifted the smell of rose pedals in the apartments garden. I was aware of pollen covering every inch on the earth with a light yellow dust, like gold was sprinkled everywhere. And mostly, I was aware of the overwhelming feeling I had in my heart, like it was finally working again. Every crack, healing. Every hole, filled.

I was happy.

I was genuinely happy. Nothing and no one could take this day from me.

Lucas and I walked up to my car, he got in the passenger side as I got in the driver seat. After buckling in, I started the engine and backed out of the parking lot.

I turned on the radio and smirked at the familiar music.

"You guys are on the radio now?" Lucas asked in disbelief, turning it up.
It was one of our newest singles, it was a wicked song and I got to have a bass solo in it.

Lucas and I nodded our heads to the tempo, wind blowing through our hair. Grayson's voice was resilient in this song, he's been working on tuning his high notes and getting his air from deep within his chest. Mason and I are both back up singers, low, deep, faded voices as Grayson is loud, high pitched and raspy.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins as the chorus started and the drums took off, my bass backing up Ribs guitar riffs.

We couldn't believe when the station decided to play our song, it was awakening to think that we were really making it. years ago we were kids doing covers of classic blues songs at school, we never even considered ourselves a band.

But now we were NameLess. A band that didn't even need a name to be known.

Driving up the street, I reached the little Italian restaurant that had amazing handmade ravioli. It was small, kitchy, but somehow it always reminded me of my grandmother's house when I was little. For some reason I connected my memories there with this restaurant.

Parking and killing the engine, the car fell uncomfortably silent without the radio on.

"Your the lucky one! I'm the bloody one!" I continued the songs lyrics with a chuckle as I got out of the vehicle. Lucas bit his lip, throwing the rock symbol in the air as he closed the car door. We laughed strolling up to the restaurant, I walked ahead so I could hold the door open for him.

He rolled his eyes as he passed me.

"Hey, could we get a table for two please," I greeted the woman at the counter. She smiled, grabbing menus and gesturing for us to follow her. I was glad when she sat us to a booth near the back, where it seemed a little more private.

Sitting across from Lucas, I tried not to stare at him.

I had probably pictured this moment a million times in my head. Infact, a billion times. I yearned for this moment.

The moment that him and I 'casually' get something to eat together.

Now here we were, and I had absolutely no idea what to do or say.

I cleared my throat, "so, uh, how's the whole paramedic training thing going?"

Lucas stretched in his seat, slouching back. He smiled shaking his head.

"What?" I asked confused and he sighed. Then I realized when deja vu hit me, I had asked that very same question a few nights ago. The night we had first kissed.

"Oh, sorry." I looked down embarrassed. I was never good at being social.

"All good buddy, its going fine." Lucas had dark eyes and that menacing jawline, but he'd always had this kind look to his face. Even though I considered him to be a little ball of rage, there was also something overwhelmingly kind about him.

We sat in silence for a moment, I took in the time to look around at the restaurant. The red walls were a dusty matte, the floors a 60's black and white tile, and the booths were red leather. Instrumental music played very lightly in the background, barely noticable.

There were few people in the restaurant, making it feel dramatically quiet.

I opened my menu and Lucas did the same. I already knew what I was going to get, but I felt awkward and looked through it anyway.

I was shrinking.

What do I say?
I already ruined the initial start in conversation.

"Do you only play bass guitar?" Lucas suddenly asked, his eyes focused on the menu.

"wha- oh, um, yes. I mean no. No, I also play acoustic guitar. I mean, I'm not that good but good enough, you know?" I cleared my throat.

"Ever thought about trying a different instrument?" He set his menu down and looked up at me. The way the hanging lamp overhead sparkled in his dark green eyes drove me crazy. And his skin, his skin was like porcelain, perfectly clear except for a little bit of stubble on his chin.

Not like me who had a weeks worth of patchy grown in facial hair, rough skin, and dark circles under my eyes.

"Not really to be honest. I used to play piano a little but, I didn't like it." I was visibly anxious, and it made me even more anxious. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't look at him.

Why am I so nervous?

Becuase for once, he wasn't completely rejecting me.

Becuase actually loving him was scarier than anything else.

But Lucas remained calm. He was quite reserved that way. He knew how to keep his cool, as did I. Usually. I was able to mask how I was feeling extremely well, and I guess if Lucas felt even a little for what I do for him, he was good at it too.

But now things were different. Things were open. We were vulnerable.

I thought about Lucas, how he changed over the years. He used to have long hair too when I first met him. It was just a year ago that he started messing around with shorter haircuts, to be quite honest I liked both.

When we first met, he was really shy too. Not like me, he would still talk and joke around. But you could tell, he really started to become himself about five months in.

But truthfully, there was a lot about Lucas I didn't know. I didn't know his past, anything about his parents, his favourite song or food. I mean I knew he liked rock music becuase he always came and supported our band and would come to practice even though he didn't play anything.

I didn't know a lot about Lucas, but I knew there was more to him than just this reserved ball of spitting fire.

I wanted to get to know everything about him I possibly could.