Learning To Love

chapter 41

I had spent the last few nights thinking. Thinking about what Ollie told me, and what I had told him. I felt better about opening up to him, but also worse. I Didn't like that he knew something about me that I didn't want him to know.

Ollie pulled me from my daze by reaching out and putting his hand to my cheek. I pressed my face into it.

"You look sad," he whispered in a tired voice.

"I am," I admitted and his brows dipped.

"Come here," he hushed, sitting in the hospital bed, me, reading a magazine in the chair beside him. I sat down beside him and he held my face in his hands, his fingers were cold.

Staring into my eyes, he leaned in and slowly pressed his lips to mine. We stayed like that for a second, still with our lips together. He took a deep breath and pulled away, his face was blushed and I guessed mine was too.

"Better?" He smiled and I smirked shyly.

"Yeah."

I've been pushing my thoughts away recently, I confessed to myself in my head.

Pick yourself up Lucas, you're losing it.

I don't know what's going on, but I'm surviving. I'm here, with him. That's all that matters.

Ollie, you've tamed the flame that blazed inside me. An anger I couldn't heal.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" He rubbed the stubble along my jaw with his thumb. I nodded in response.

"What are things that help you with your problem?" His hand moved to twirling a piece of my hair in his fingers.

My stomach sank and I looked down. I didn't want to answer the question.

"I don't really know Ollie. It feels really hopeless sometimes. It makes me feel so corrupt." My voice was so soft and quiet, I wasn't even sure he heard me.

He lifted my head back up by my chin and smiled. "It's okay," he whispered.

"If I don't do it, the urge just gets worse and worse. I feel anxious. It's not like I feel any better after." I looked away from his intense warm gaze.

"This is probably the longest I've gone without it." My stomach started to hurt.

"Sometimes putting yourself into a position where you're not able to have it, is the best you can do." His eyes were so understanding, his smile so smooth and calm.

"I was a monster without it, but I was a zombie while I was on it. I know how awful it can feel when you're trying to fight yourself so badly and every time you slip up, you resent yourself." We held hands and the warm sun illuminated his brown hair, making it look orange.

"How are you doing right now?" He asked and I shook my head. I didn't want to say it out loud, I didn't want him to look down on me. I let out a breath I'd been holding in.

"Anxious, bottled up, unfocused." I sighed deeply.

"Mm, I feel frustrated." I looked up at him through my eyelashes and he lightly chuckled. "I bet."

"What is it about it that's addicting?" he asked curiously and I honestly didn't know the answer.

"Um, I guess, the stimulation. It started because in relationships I felt really distant and disconnected and I felt I couldn't get aroused without it. So I watched it all the time, and got addicted to trying to force myself to enjoy it. Like a compulsion. I never understood it really, until you came along and made me realise what the problem was."