Your Grace - Burak Çelik

A/N

Salam Everyone,

So sorry I disappeared without notice and did not update a second time like I usually would last Saturday- I've run into a bit of trouble with my mental health and my family, both clashing and creating issues for each other. Safe to say, my life at home here is hell, and it's exhausting me- not to mention I'm forbidden from being online for a while, so I won't be able to update. As soon as I get online properly again, I'll do a double update for you all to make it up to you guys.

I don't know if I'll regret this later on haha but I'd like to reveal something to all of you that I honestly expected to reveal later on after this book finishes:

Ayedah's past is based on my present; her story with her mother, cousins, family and school. When I write flashbacks of her past, most of them are based on events that have actually happened. My family had me go to a school where I don't understand the language it teaches in, and I am mocked for it by teachers and students alike. My relationship with my mother is difficult and she is controlling, she gaslights and mentally abuses me, whether she knows it or not. I try to believe that her intentions are good, and that she loves me, but she sometimes makes me feel like I'm insane and not in my right mind. Not to mention that my whole family is in denial of my mental health issues, and blaming it on 'bad behaviour' and 'acting up'- neither am I getting treatment for my depression, anxiety and Bipolar Episodes. But Ayedah's BPD, Bipolar Disorder and philophobia- or doubt towards whether she is able to love and be loved- is all real, all from me. I sometimes don't feel loved, and I don't know if I can love. And living with mental disorders is scary, you never know when you will be triggered, you never know when you're going to explode or snap. And sometimes you feel like you're drowning, and you can't swim out.

Ayedah's story is mostly how I hope to grow up to be, how I hope my future will be. To be able to study successfully, be able to get treatment for my disorder, to be able to move on from my past and leave my country, and to be able to work and do what I love most, and be with people who will accept me for who I am. Her story, not only her love story with Burak but her friendship with Ozge and her relationship with Aunt Gab, are all relationships I long for in the future. Ozge's character portrayal is based on my best friend, who lives in a different country than I do yet is the only person who sees me through it all, and who calls me in the dead of night sometimes just to hear me cry and sit through it with me. Aunt Gab is based on one of the only adults in my life that I actually trust, she is not even my aunt but my older cousin who lives away from our family as well. Stormy too, is based on my cat, Milo, who is my emotional support animal- he's the only living creature who sees me through my worst, as I cry and break and curse at night and am unable to sleep. Burak's character is how I long for a romantic partner to be for me, someone who can accept me for who I am, despite the way I am- as well as someone I can be there for and support, without feeling pressure or suffocation.

"Your Grace" is my therapy other than the limited sessions I get with a psychiatrist. It's safe to say that it's my imaginary world that I put out onto paper, with hopes of getting a reality just as good in the future.

I want to say thank you, for you all, who read, voted and commented- some of you all I can really just feel like I know throughout Burak and Ayedah's story. We laugh together, cry together, get annoyed with them together... When I see people who love my work, work that I love doing, I feel loved. So I want to say thank you for making me feel loved, something that so many others cannot do.

Thank you for reading and listening to this small vent haha, I'll see you in upcoming chapters. If anyone else has issues and just needs a friend to talk to, feel free to drop me a DM.

I love you all,

Ayesha <3