Your Grace - Burak Çelik

CHAPTER 42

"I want to tell you that I'm sorry," Ayedah said, clearing her throat. Burak's forehead creased, his brows knitted together as he surveyed her with his icy eyes; they were sitting down at his dinner table, across from one another, as Ayedah spoke to him.

She had turned up at his house right after meeting with his mother and sister, and Aunt Gab was waiting in the neighbourhood nearby with her car. Burak was reluctant to let her in, for obvious reasons- but in the end, after some small discussion between them, he allowed it and decided he wanted to hear what she had to say. Plus, he was aware that he too, could not run away from it forever, especially as she was already and still his religiously lawful wife.

When she arrived, he looked exhausted; his eyelids drooped, his hair was tousled, his limbs seemed to be stiff and aching and even the house was rather messy. It was as if he had been suffering for years- despite that the last time Ayedah had seen him, when she had told him about her manic episode, was a mere four or five days before. According to Busra he had not gone out since, and was confined to his home since his visit to the hospital. In fact, they had not actually seen him either- what they had known about the incident was through a phone call between him and his father, who had taken upon the task of asking how Ayedah was after they had heard that she had been admitted. Sema told Ayedah before she went to the house about how worried they were for their son and brother, and Ayedah hoped against hope that nothing so terrible had happened. It was no lie to say that she was extremely relieved to have found him at home well, sober and upright- physically, anyway.

"I'm sorry, Burak," continued Ayedah, as her fiance looked down, breaking the eye contact between them after a while. "I...I should have told you. I should have told you from the very beginning." Burak was quiet, as he listened intently; "I'm not angry with you," he finally said after a while in a soft voice, relieving her heart ever so slightly. "I'm not angry with you at all." He sighed, and looked up to meet her eyes; "But I won't deny that I'm hurt," he admitted, making her incline her head in guilt, forcing back her emotions. "I am hurt...but I also have a lot of questions." His hands grasped each other, fingers woven tightly together; "But I don't want to offend you," he added in a slow voice and Ayedah shook her head. "No, you won't," she said firmly. "Ask away."

Burak inhaled deeply, closing his eyes for a while to relax himself before he would start interrogating her. "First of all...is this why you were at the pharmacy the day we went out together for the first time?" he asked slowly. Ayedah nodded; "Yes, I was there to get my lithium," she answered. Burak nodded after her, a look of realization falling upon his face. "How long has this been going on for?" he questioned. "I don't really remember what you said at the hospital, other than..." He swallowed deep, fighting to keep a straight face.

"Yeah, how long has this been going on for?"

"Since I was thirteen," replied Ayedah. "That's when I started having symptoms...then I got diagnosed by a psychiatrist at fifteen years old." "And you were immediately put on medication?" asked Burak, and Ayedah shook her head. "No, my parents didn't permit it," she admitted, her answer causing his eyes to widen. "They were very against the idea of medication...my mum especially. They strictly forbade the use of medication...I only started when I turned eighteen." Burak frowned; "Then how did you handle it throughout your teenage years?" he asked. "Your episodes...mania...and depression?"

"I didn't handle them," said Ayedah, swallowing hard. "They happened, one after the other as Bipolar episodes do. I did my best to fight against them but the chemical imbalance in my brain was too powerful against my simple mind. I had raging, rapid-cycling episodes for five years, two being undiagnosed, before I could start on medication." "Your family did nothing?" demanded Burak, looking incredulous. "Nothing?" "Most of them didn't know," answered Ayedah, her tone soft. "Not even Aarif. Only my parents...though my mother refused to believe it." She scoffed lightly; "She refused to accept the fact that she had a daughter with a mental disorder," she added. "Is this why your family treated you so badly?" asked Burak. "And why...why you had to disown yourself? Why you were forced to leave?"