Love To Hate You (EDITING)

sixty two - "Get in loser we're going shopping"

W I L L O W

I don't know why I keep writing these letters to you because all they do is take pieces of me. All they do is remind me that in 96 hours, 4 damn days, I'll leave you. All they do is make me unable to sleep at night because I keep missing your eyes, your voice and your touch.

Mom told me yesterday when I came home after seeing you that I reminded her of herself and Elijah's dad when they were younger...Ironic isn't it?

She said that she saw the same love she had for him that I have for you in my eyes, the way I talk about you and the way I smile everytime I think about you. It's crazy to think that we're still so young but the way we love each other is as if we've been in love for 20 years. I love you so so so much and it scares me because when did I fall in love so hard? When did it happen?

I remember the way you held onto me when you saw me at Elijah's after realizing that I had played a nasty comeback prank on you. Your hands around me, holding onto me like you were scared to let go. I never admitted it but I felt something. Deep down, while pushing you away, was an emptiness filling the spots where your touch had been, was hard to not notice. Because my heart was beating so hard and then it hit such a calm state I thought I was having an anxiety attack. I wanted you to know that the only person that ever made me feel like that was you and will always only be you.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know what more I can say to ease...your pain.

Because the Sargent I know will never ever forgive me. I know you said that there's a small line between love and hate but baby...we've always been there. The hate you'll feel for me, it will be so much different to the hate we felt for each other in the beginning.

But you know, you'll always Love To Hate Me and that's okay because I've caused you enough pain haven't I? Yes you hurt me so many times too but this, what I'm gonna do to you, will leave an emptiness that'll never ever be filled, I know that.

I always thought that I'd wake up to your sky blue eyes in the morning but now I know that I'm going to wake up to hell everyday...

Not being able to tell this fucking bullshit, I'm going through to anyone is so so fucking painful. I'm sitting in a crowd of people I love and not a single one knows the fire burning me from within. It's eating at my soul and It's like I'm suffocating. My mind is screaming but I can't say a single thing.

I'm trying to do everything I can to spend so much time with you and not a single day seems enough. I can't get enough of you? Is that even possible? How can anyone get enough of their loved ones?

I haven't really admitted to you in a sentence but...I'm being forced to marry someone Sargent.

My dad he...he's the reason. He had to choose between money and life and apparently I was a price too. So he gave me up.