I'm my own alpha

Chapter 53

I don't think I've cried so hard. My tears pile on themselves as I choke on a mix of air and words, I'm told again and again by Tomas to stop trying to explain myself but I can't help it.

I showed up here, I made a fool of myself, he deserves an apology at least.

I keep my hand close to my chest just to feel my beating heart. My eyes must have been playing tricks, maybe I'm so quick to judge because I want to believe he cheated, but no one can imagine hickeys as such.

"I had so much hope," I sniff with a tissue in hand, "I had so much hope for us, I wanted us to work out." My eyes sting again. "I wanted him to fall in love with me the way I've fallen in love with him."

Tomas is opposite me, handing my more issues when I need then, "What did I do so wrong? Was I not enough? Was I too much? I just- I-I don't understand." I tuck myself in once again feeling the wave of agony lit up in my chest once more.

"I just don't understand," I sigh before sniffing again. "Hickeys?! Like hickeys?! Like what- I-I don't- hickeys?" I give up trying to phrase my words correctly. "And I'll be the whore right?

"If I went out my way to kiss another I'll be the bad guy? I should have know!" My voice breaks. "He-he never wanted me," I tuck hair out my way for the hundredth time, and just like Tomas has been doing he moves all my hair behind my shoulders.

I keep rambling and going on and on and having Tomas listen to me. On my part my decision to go back is not a good idea whatsoever, but I need to, I need to so I can get my stuff and leave.

"Do you want me to wait outside?" We come to a stop in front of the mansion I know Saint is in.

"No." I take in as much air my lungs can take before letting go. "No.." I step forward and reach out for the handle, I twist to see it's already open. We walk in. My eyes immediately go to the start of the stairs where Saint shoots up form his sitting position with Ly already standing next to him.

"Nadia." Don't cry don't cry don't cry! I look over at Tomas before stepping forward. "Where'd you go last night?" Even though Tomas froze some spoons for my eyes, they still feel heavy. I move to the stairs pinning my eyes on Saint then move right past him. "Nadia."

I keep going. Stepping into the room I go under our bed and drag out the duffel bag I came here with. "I'm going home, I can't stay here anymore."

"What? Wait, is this about last night?" I turn my back to him going into our-his closet and start grabbing my hangers. "Please, let me explain myself."

"No! You don't need to explain yourself," I heave hangers off then wonder back in then throw them on the bed. "You've been telling me all along, it's my fault. I was so fucking desperate to believe you."

"Listen to me, please just believe when I say-"

"No! All I've done is believe you! You don't want me!" I got back to grab more hangers.

"Yes I do." He objects and I come back.

"No you don't!"

"Yes I do!"

"No you don't!" I start removing hangers and start stashing my clothes in my bag. "You know what you want? A good, fucking time, which I can't give you! I don't know how to! You barely gave me three months! You're not even ready for this!"

"For what?"

"A mate."

"You know what a mate is?!"

"Don't fucking yell at me Saint." I lower my tone and raise my argument. "You have no right! You cheated on me!"

He runs a hand through the front of his hair. "I didn't cheat."

I let out a sad chuckle, dragging it into a long, pain filled laugh. "Are you seriously denying it? You didn't cheat?" I repeat his words back to him. "Are you listen to yourself?" My voice breaks, my eyes blur and I go back to stashing clothes.

"I'm sorry." I shake my head to his apology. "I swear-"

"You're sorry? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that apology huh? You know where you can stick that pathetic apology? Up your fucki-"

"You're barley giving me a chance to explain myself." He talks over me.

"What more do you have to say?! The first time you kissed her I was like, okay we weren't together yet but now, now?! Seriously like what?! What more do you have to say?"

"I never meant for it to go like this?"

"Oh?! Did you want me to not find out?"

"Why do you keep twisting my words?!" His head hangs as I zip my bag up, I didn't even grab everything. I need to go. "It's not what you think you saw."

"What I think I saw?! What I think I saw? Is that your way of explain yourself? Trying to gaslight me?!"

"That came out wrong." I storm past him. "Nadia, please."

"No-cause-you see! Tell me what I think I saw. Please enlighten me!" We stand in the corridor, my eyes beg for an answer, his beg for understanding. "I know damn well Ly ain't giving you those hickeys, neither is Jacob, you let Kieth kiss on you like that."

"Come on-"

"Whatever you took, was strong enough to slow your healing, I know what I saw. So tell me Saint- explain! Tell me why?! Why would you jeopardize us?!" His lips part but I beat him to it. "You know what? Fuck it! I don't want to hear it!" I start for the stairs in a rush.

"Can't we talk this out? We've been through this-"

"No you've already put me through this!" I walk the distance to get away form him. "I'm breaking up with you, I need a damn break form you!" Finally I turn looking at him, the eyes in which I once drowned in seem to be swallowing him whole.

"You don't need a break, I'm your mate!"

"I wouldn't need a break if you could keep your dick in your pants!"

"I never fucked her!" He steps forward.

"You don't have to fuck her to cheat Malic!" I take a step back.

"Don't call me that, call me Saint. You have a right to call me Saint." I didn't even realized I called him Malic.

"I'm tired." I sigh letting my shoulders go, my eyes sting and I know my time for being strong is running out. I turn walking away again. "You know all that fighting you did with Clive, it was all in vain," one last look at him.

"Finally, you got the Luna you were so desperate to protect and you can't even treat her right. I hope your proud of yourself, I hope it was all fucking worth it!" I swing the door open leaving with no turning back.