I'm my own alpha

Chapter 57

I talk to my father, trying to see if it's actually true, if I'll suffer so greatly without Malic. He gives me a little to work with, tells me I can die if I'm weak or sick, but I'm neither.

I can only stand by that statement for so long, my whole body feels like I'm dragging around a corpse, the small portions of food I used to take so easily feel rejected in my stomach and I can only keep it down for so long.

The only thing that's continuous is the pang of agony why I see Malic at school or when he's not around. I don't know how long I can keep this up, how long I can go on until it finally give into my wolf and I'm standing at his door.

Whenever I feel too weak to even get up at times, Bailey or Tili come just in time to pester me about a run and I have to follow through. Tonight's one of those nights, luckily Tomas is also here so I could just chill at the back as they run off.

We pack our backpack of clothes and I add some oversized shirts and sports shirt that belong to my father for Tomas before we set off downstairs. We follow the routine of dropping out bags near the entrance before we shift.

As planned I stay behind them as Nia and I watch them race off in a game of tag by the looks of it. I sit, in wolf form, watching them form a safe distance and they race after each other.

It's been a few days now since Malic really talked to me, I think my speech cut a few strings of hope for him since all he does now is stare form afar, and it's none of those slick stares, he literally fixates me until I give in and look up at him.

We always end up in a staring contest with him winning, only because I have to look away when Nia over here decides she wants to take control, at the worst possible moments and it makes my eyes flicker fine grey to black.

I haven't had this type of situation every since the first time I met Malic, now it's worse. I constantly have to fight her on this, always putting myself first before or I know exactly where she'll take us, exactly who's front step.

With the energy I do have left, I go on to play with them, even if I can't stand for as long as I used to I still enjoy the fun I do have.

Going back upstairs I dress myself in one of Malic's hoodies and sports short before going back down to Tomas waiting for me, his eyes watch me approach before he pushes the elevator button and it rings open.

We reach the last floor and we step out. "I can't believe you actually want to walk home." I huff following him out. "You have a whole car Tomas."

"Exercise, Nadia, exercise."

"My ass." I follow behind him as we exist the building, the air out is still warm but getting a little chilly the more we stand. "I'll walk you home then." I start and glance over my shoulder at him.

"I don't think that's a good idea." He catches up.

"Why not?" I catch a glimpse of him. "What kind of alpha would I be if I don't?"

"I get that, but you're in no condition to walk for forty minutes."

"Shut up Tomas." My tone takes us both back. "I'm fine." I try saying lighter.

"You're paling, each day, you're slowing down, not eating right and barely sleeping. You're not taking this shit lightly. I don't know how much you can physically take." I sigh at the concern in his voice.

"I can walk forty minutes." I put another foot in front of the other, I'm not running that low on energy.

"You still wear his stuff," he points out and my eyes drop to the hoodie I'm wearing. "You clearly miss him, maybe you should find an alternative? Friends with benefits type of situation?"

"I've found an alternative." I just recently thought of this, presented it to the which that made me alpha and she thought I was going to pull through. "I'm going to...reject him."

"Woah!" Tomas stops but I push my legs to kee moving.

"I want-I need to cut all ties I have with him." I listen to his feet catch up. "I think it's for the best."

"Wait..." Tomas eyes in front of me. "Now I'm not siding with the idiot, but I think that's too harsh, even on yourself. Rejection isn't so easy as it sounds, till this day I feel the void- do you want that?"

"If it's better then this," I push past him. "then I'll take it."

"I don't think you understand-"

"Tomas!" I let out a shaky breath. "I'm constantly in battle with myself, I keep telling myself I can fall apart at home but when I get in bed I stay up staring at the ceiling. I thought about it all, friends with benefits, settling, going back, and it all ends with me in more pain.

"There is no other way, the worst is yet to come and I'll kill myself if I go on any longer. Yes you've been rejected, yes it hurt like hell, but this! This I can't bare! Im tired- no I'm fucking exhausted. My body hurt, my heart hurts, some mornings I can't even bring myself to open my eyes."

Keep moving, I remind myself, I need to keep walking. "I'm breaking-falling apart. I can only be strong for so long Tomas, I'm running out of time before the bond brings me begging on his door step. That's the only way you survived right?" I glance behind my shoulder at him.

"Friends with benefits? Sneaky links? Secret rendezvous? I can't do that. I'm already attached to him, if I let myself go back I'll stay. I'll stay with him, happy or not, I see myself staying."