Someone Out There Loves You (Adopted by Frank Iero)

74

ALEXA

I was trying to hide getting high every day from Frank which wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be. I needed to see Vic soon to get some more weed because the rate I was going through it was insane. I was also considering asking her for something else, and while I didn't want to admit it to myself, I knew that I had lost myself completely. Instead of the reluctance I used to feel when Vic would offer me cocaine, I was beginning to want it. Crave it. Though it was short lived, I loved the rush it would give me - the energy I no longer seemed to have. I felt up and about and like I wasn't weighed down by an infinite list of things.

I was meeting up with her tomorrow to get some. I would just tell Frank that I was going for a walk and he would probably be happy I was getting out of the house for a bit. I wouldn't be long, and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Just a quick meet up to buy some drugs. No big deal.

It was a big deal though - I knew that. There was no going back from this, though that was a line I had told myself many times by this point.

All I had left at the moment were a few edibles and they were always a gamble because I never knew how much it was going to fuck me up. Sometimes it would be a light buzz, other times I wouldn't be able to move and my soul felt like it had left my body. Either way, it was guaranteed to ease the dread that was my thoughts.

Holding one in my hand as I sat on my bedroom floor next to my bed, the container next to me, I chewed on my bottom lip anxiously.

I shouldn't do this. Not now. Jamia is coming over for dinner tonight. I shouldn't do it. I can't do that to Frank.

But if there was nothing sedating me, my thoughts were running wild, and at this rate I was going to have to move to a new area to take it out on because my arms and thighs were fucked and there was hardly any space left. I couldn't stop myself anymore. It was out of control.

Since the flood of death threats on Friday, I was inundated with suicidal thoughts. It had been a decent chunk of time since that was a major concern of mine, and now that they were back, I was scared. I knew what I was capable of doing, I knew how low I could fall. I'd been there before.

That led to me messing around with my meds even further the past few days - I was now taking multiple pills in one go. It was definitely exceeding a healthy dose, but no part of me cared. I think I was kind of hoping that one of these days I just wouldn't wake up.

I was scared of myself. The only way I was coping was by messing around with any substance I could get my hands on, and making sure to have some kind of something running through my system at all times so I wouldn't have to have a real thought. I was just trying to survive.

I downed the remaining edibles I had, just wanting to be free from it all.

I'm sorry Frank.

FRANK

As I came up back from the bathroom I looked around, wondering where Lexa had gone. She was watching something before in the lounge room and the television was still on but she wasn't anywhere in sight. She must have started getting ready for tonight.

I was really excited to have Jamia over for dinner again. We were going to do a taco night, it was going to be fun. I had asked Lexa how she felt about it when we got home from the Way's the other night and she was ecstatic. Even this morning she was going on about how excited she was to see Jamia again, and she came with me to buy the groceries we would need for dinner. It had me in high spirits.

I really wanted Lexa to feel comfortable around Jamia. I loved seeing Jamia, and if Lexa was comfortable being around her, it would make it a lot easier for us to see each other more often. I didn't want to rush anything because I knew it involved expanding Lexa's trust circle and the addition of someone into her safe space. I didn't want to force it to happen too soon and get Lexa offside, especially when it was something she wasn't opposed to. I suppose it came down to not wanting to make her panic and ruining what could be a good thing.