Someone Out There Loves You (Adopted by Frank Iero)

81

FRANK

"I still can't believe it."

I shook my head, pinching the bridge of my nose. My throat was tight as I tried to recount everything to Gerard, my words choking me up and coming out strangled.

"How can people say shit like that? I feel so fucking bad, Gee. This is my fault. I pushed her into telling everyone and she's been copping so much hate and I didn't fucking realise! This is MY fucking fault."

"Frank, it's not your fault," Gerard said, using the voice he reserves for calming people who are in panic.

"They've been sending her death threats, Gerard. Death threats. A-And her getting high that bad started because of this fucking... event... that someone organised where fucking thousands of people messaged her death threats all at the same time. She was in class and she copped thousands of detailed, explicit, graphic death threats."

"Fucking hell," he whispered.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and took as deep a breath I could manage. The evening air felt like tiny needles as it travelled down my airways and into my lunges.

Holding my phone against my ear with my shoulder, I dug out my almost empty pack of cigarettes and lighter from the front pocket of my hoodie. I quickly got one out, popped it between my lips, and lit it. Embers and smoke burned my lungs with the first drag but this time it was welcomed.

The amount of cigarettes I had smoked the past few days was bad. I felt like a hypocrite for telling Lexa to not self medicate and use drugs to cope with what she was feeling when she was the one being targeted while I was chain smoking as I struggled to cope with knowledge of it happening. Several times a day I was ducking out of the house for a nicotine hit, pretty much whenever I could get a few minutes without Lexa by my side, it offering a tiny bit of relief. It wasn't helping as much as I needed it to though.

"I-I-I'm so fucking worried about what this has done to her," I confessed, smoke pouring out of my mouth. "It's gone on for weeks and I had no idea, she was keeping all this hidden from me because she was worried it would change how I feel about her, but that means she's been copping it alone this whole time. I- I can't get over the death threats. And they were getting to her. They... sh- she..." I shook my head before taking another long drag. "My biggest concern is they've been telling someone who was suicidal recently, and who still battles their thoughts, and who's tried to take their life on on two separate occasions this year, to kill themselves. Those thoughts have been in her head already, she doesn't need thousands of people telling her that too."

Gerard was quiet for a moment and I realised I hadn't actually shared that detail with him before - it slipped out in my unfiltered panic. My eyes went wide.

"She tried to end her life?"

"Uh... yeah," I said softly, biting my lip. There was no point not telling him when I'd already let it slip.

There was silence on the other end of the phone and I found myself feeling bad about sharing that with him - not only because I didn't know if that was more than Lexa would want him knowing, but also because the topic of suicide was hard for him.

"I mean, I always kind of suspected it, but fuck that hurts to know. Like, it's one of those things that you kind of know but you don't want it to be true." His voice wavered as he spoke and I could imagine him fighting tears.

I hummed sadly, taking a final drag of the cigarette before squashing the butt down in the ash tray. As soon as it was extinguished I began digging the pack out of my pocket again.