Someone Out There Loves You (Adopted by Frank Iero)

17

ALEXA

I watched Andy leave this morning. He greeted his parents with a smile, a hug for his mum and a handshake for his dad. His mum had tears in her eyes at the sight of him. His dad had said, "It's good to see you again, son."

I was happy for him. Really happy for him. Last night I let him ramble on about how nervous he was to see them again. Things obviously hadn't ended on the best terms, and he wasn't quite sure what he would be walking in to. The reunion seemed to have gone well; it seemed like his parents had had a change of heart. Maybe seeing the consequences of disowning their son made them change their views. I hoped so.

I could see the uncertainty underneath Andy's smile when he first saw them though. I had come to learn how he worked, and the tight lipped smile that he insisted was because he was insecure of his crooked teeth was a cover more than anything, a cover for him being nervous as hell.

I had hugged him one last time before they arrived. It was short and bittersweet, but that's how we worked the best. It ended with Andy punching me in the arm and me shoving him back. Then we sat in the waiting room, Andy's eyes fixated on the door with that tight lipped smile, and me trying to crack jokes and keep him calm. Regardless of what I said, he would simply give me a sharp nod, sometimes cracking a real smile, only to then return to his default state of nerves. It didn't make me stop trying though, I knew he appreciated it.

But now... now I was alone. It was different to the 'I'm over here doing this and Andy is over there doing that' alone. It was the 'I've got no one in here anymore because my only friend just left' alone. I couldn't do anything about that one.

I killed time in the art and music room between Andy being picked up and my group therapy. I had a couple hours free and I knew Frank was visiting this afternoon, so I wanted to practice some songs before he came. It wasn't like I was trying to impress him or anything, but I didn't want him to think that all the time he's spent teaching me things was time wasted.

The time passed quicker than I wanted it to, but I managed to more or less perfect a couple songs. I was secretly excited to show Frank, although he would praise me for it even if it was completely shit. He was always so supportive, so encouraging, he was like the punk version of a parent who is overly invested in their child playing sports, cheering them on no matter what. It was sweet, and considering I've never had that kind of love before, I couldn't get enough of it.

Unfortunately, the time had come for me to sit in a circle with a bunch of other kids and crap on about my feelings even though I didn't want to talk about it and no one cared to hear it. Group therapy just wasn't the same without Andy. There was no one to nudge and whisper funny comments to or to look at from across the room if we were separated. I'd have to sit here the whole time listening because there was nothing else to do. I could zone out, but that would have to be after I had spoken. Until then, I needed to somewhat pay attention so I'd hear when my name was called or else they'd think I was dissociating or something. Now that would be a whole thing. It was bullshit.

"Hi everyone, how are we? Let's get started."

I internally groaned when I looked up and saw Cathy was running the session. Fuck I hated her. She was the one who caught Andy and I that time. I swear she hated my guts. Thankfully, she wasn't part of my primary treatment team and I could usually do a decent job of avoiding her, but unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it this time. This next hour was going to be hell.

My mind was going over how to play the bridge in This Is How I Disappear when I heard my name.

"Alexa, how are you today?"

I sighed and looked up. "I'm sad because Andy left. I'm happy for him because, y'know, he's obviously doing much better to be able to leave, but I miss him a lot."