Someone Out There Loves You (Adopted by Frank Iero)

87

ALEXA

I didn't even know why I was doing it when nothing had gone wrong today, but I suppose that was exactly why I needed to. It was never enough to have a 'good' day. A good day wasn't something I deserved.

Maybe something about the pain made it feel right, or maybe I was lying to myself to try to find a reason for being locked in my bathroom with my back against the door and a blade in my hand when I had just come upstairs from a lovely night with Frank and Jamia.

I had done well in the sense that I didn't fuck anything up. I wasn't high or panicking, I was actually in a really good mood, and I ended up talking way more than I thought I was going to without going all shy and reserved - I was actually kind of proud of myself for that. None of that was why I was here, but at the same time, it was precisely it. It didn't make sense. If you asked me to explain it to you I wouldn't be able to because I couldn't really understand how it had ended up like this either. It just did.

I was really excited to see Jamia tonight because I wanted to thank her desperately for her little care package, not just for her thoughtfulness, but because it did more for me than she would have ever realised. That night I came home from school and found it, I ran myself a bath and lit some candles and did a bit of self care with the things she gifted me, with a cup of the tea and the face mask, and finished it up by slathering that incredible smelling moisturiser all over my aching body.

I had never done anything like that before, and while it was foreign, it was incredibly nice nonetheless. I couldn't help but wonder if that was the kind of thing girls my age were meant to be doing instead of using the bathroom as a hideaway to hurt themselves. I wanted to thank Jamia for giving me that opportunity, not that Frank had denied me it, but it wasn't something he would have thought of. The thought of Frank doing any kind of pampering was a hilarious one, but I couldn't imagine him ever having done anything of the sort, so I didn't blame him for not having thought of that for me before. I suppose it was also because he didn't know what life was like as a teenage girl and what their interests may be - I couldn't blame him for that, and I suppose it didn't help that I didn't know either. I wasn't familiar with those kinds of experiences.

In the car ride home from school, I had told Frank that I would give him and Jamia some time to themselves after we ate because I knew how much he valued spending time with her, especially since I took up a lot of his time now. He tried to say that I didn't need to do that because Jamia wanted to spend time with me too and that was the whole point of her coming over for dinner when I was home from school - to see me specifically. While it was something that was heartwarming and reassuring to hear, I couldn't help but worry that I would be encroaching.

My biggest fear though was fucking up dinner again, or doing anything which would make Jamia hate me, so I had no choice but to stay if that was what she was wanting. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to stay after dinner and get to know her better, but I didn't want to be a hindrance - that was where the concern was coming in. But I was also desperate to have her approval, and I really didn't want to fuck it up for Frank. That was the main thing at stake here.

Because I was now attached to Frank, it meant that I came with him when he dated. I was something that needed to be factored in when someone was deciding their future and whether or not they wanted him in it - they needed to decide if they wanted me too. That meant I could be the very thing to ruin things for him, and because I knew how much he wanted to be with Jamia, I had to do what I could to not be seen as hard to work around, a hindrance, or any other reason for Jamia to call it off. I would not be able to live with that guilt.

So, not wanting to disappoint or ruin the night when I ruined the last dinner before it even started, I gave myself forty five minutes after dinner to socialise. I felt that that was enough time to look like I wasn't rushing away because I did want to get to know Jamia better and spend some time with her, but I was scared of being in the way and invading and both of them being too polite to say anything. I didn't want to overstep, so that time limit felt appropriate.