Someone Out There Loves You (Adopted by Frank Iero)

8

ALEXA

It had been 5 days since Andy and I were caught doing some not so legal activities. That makes it 5 days of being locked in my room. If I wasn't out of my mind already, I would definitely be heading that way now.

I tend to think humans are social creatures. Of course, everyone needs their alone time, but you also need some kind of company every now and then, interacting with others, that kind of thing. Being locked in a room alone with no one to see and nothing to do was beginning to take its toll. I felt like a prisoner.

I was craving human contact.

This was a new feeling.

Up until Frank being in my life, I never attached myself to anyone. I was comfortable being alone because that's how I spent most of my life. I had convinced myself it was better that way and that I actually preferred it. However, I was beginning to realise that this was a lie I told myself; a lie because I thought I'd never know any different, so why glorify something I wouldn't get to experience. You don't feel like you're missing out when it's not something you want in the first place. All you have to do is convince yourself that you don't want it and you save yourself that pain. It was my way of protecting myself from the things I'd never have and it was working just fine until Frank came along. Frank opened me up to a new world. Close relationships and physical contact were something I didn't know I needed. I didn't realise how good it felt. But now I was back to being without, and it hurt. The emptiness. Loneliness.

The loneliness felt suffocating. My thoughts were running rampant. Thoughts that I hadn't had in weeks, ones I thought I buried or left behind were starting to surface and take control again, proving to me that they were never really gone.

I hid under my blanket and curled up tighter, hoping that if I squeezed my eyes shut tight enough it might silence my mind, and if I hugged my pillow tight enough it would feel like Frank was here.

What didn't make sense to me was punishing an unstable person by locking them up in isolation. Did they even realise the damage this was doing? For those who aren't familiar, a good social support system and regularly engaging with others is a protective factor for your mental health, and one of the worst things a person in a dark place can do is withdraw from those around them.

And yet, here I was, in a place that is supposed to help you get better, being forced into solitude.

My thoughts were getting louder. They had been building up, getting louder and louder until I could no longer have a single rational thought. It was like they were fueled by the silence around me. There was nothing to drown them out.

Do it. You know you want to. You deserve it for fucking up your chance at seeing Frank. He probably thinks you're a psycho. You know he'll never forgive you for wasting his time. He's going to be so mad at you, he's never coming back. You know that, right?

I was equally glad as I was disappointed that I didn't have anything sharp on me or this would not have ended well.

It's not like he really likes you, anyway. He feels sorry for you. That's the only reason he kept coming back; because he feels sorry for you. You're that pathetic.

I need Frank. He could help me.

He's not coming. No one is. No one cares.

The air around me seemed to be getting thicker by the second. I found myself gasping for air as if I was drowning. I was too dizzy to feel the tears cascading down my cheeks. My heartbeat was deafening, yet still not loud enough to drown out the thoughts. I could feel my pulse throughout my entire body. I wasn't sure if my body shaking was voluntary or not but I couldn't seem to stop it. Panic consumed me like a sink hole; it opened up out of nowhere and swallowed me whole.