Within the walls

9

Nyx's pov

After having a complete mental breakdown I started feeling a bit better but I was banned from helping clean up the bodies to avoid me snapping again. I was sat in a room with a nurse who wanted to try and talk through my issue.

"Why do you think you reacted like that?" She asked.

"I was seeing my friends get eaten, just like when I was little." I began. "I grew up in Shiganshina and when the titans broke through I watched them kill my friends, the kids I used to call family. I remember watching them die and hearing them scream and the only thing I could think was thank god it's them and not me. All I could do was run and be grateful it wasn't me. Even now, when I saw people I had trained with these past years dying the only thing on my mind was at least I'm not the one dead. I could have saved them but instead I chose to run and save myself instead."

"It's normal to suffer after seeing your friends die but it also completely normal for you to choose to save yourself. You can't blame yourself for their deaths." The nurse said.

"Nyx!" Jean called as burst into the room.

"What do you think you-" The nurse was cut off.

"It's Marco, he- he's dead." Jean said.

"What...? No...." I said in fake shock. "No, no, no, no, no, No, No, NO!"

I hugged Jean and practically collapsed to the floor with him sobbing. I wasn't sobbing for Marco though, I had gotten past that now. I had talked through it with Reiner, then the military and now I'd have to do it with Jean. Talking with the military had made me realise these people really were the devil.

They kept saying things like 'people have to die', 'be grateful you're still here', 'it's alright to have lost comrades, its an occupational hazard.' They didn't care at all that these people were dead, they saw them as tools. They did the same thing to us all those years ago. They were all monsters.

"Great, she's in here because she had a psychotic episode during the mission and you've just put her straight back into hysterics." The nurse complained.

"She had to know, I had to tell her." Jean said.

I just continued to sob into his shoulder, this had to seem believable that I just lost my best friend.

Time skip

I locked myself away for a few days pretending to be distraught when I was actually making our next plans. Reiner, Bertholdt and I would be going to the scouts where Eren wants to go in hopes of keeping an eye on him. Annie would be joining the M.Ps to be our eyes on the inside and to carry out her warrior duties with less notice later on.

Today was the day we were burning the bodies from Trost and almost every trainee was in attendance. Eren was currently being detained by the government so his attendance wasn't really possible.

"Hey Marco, I'm not even sure which bones are yours anymore. If I hadn't became a soldier I wouldn't have to worry about who'd be on that pile next." Jean said as he looked at a small bone in his hand before falling silent for a moment. "Hey guys, have you decided which one you're joining? I have... I- I- I'm joining the scouts!"

Jean then began crying and I too started to cry.

"So am I. Im not the best soldier, I'm not strong like all of you guys but, I can't stand by and let the titans steal from me anymore. They took my home, my parents, my friends, I won't let them take anything else! I'm going to fight." I said in determination.

"Says the one that went psycho after watching a couple of people die." Yimir said.

"Yimir! Nyx can do whatever she wants, I know she'll do great!" Krista said.

"Thanks Krista, I might have had a little bit of a mental hiccup but I'm fine now. I know what I want to do and thats to join the scouts." I said.

"I'll come too, someone needs to make sure you don't die on us. Who knows when you'll get stuck under a storage rack and need pulled out again." Reiner said.

"Are you sure? You don't have to come just because of me." I said.

"I'm sure." Reiner said.