Addictive minds (18+)

Ghosting

How is Fede? Poor Fede. When is Fede coming to school? Is he burned badly? Have you talked to Fede? It was just these questions, repeatedly when I was in school. Girls; apparently really close to him talking to me for the first time. I didn't think I ever been this popular before. But I couldn't answer these questions. I hadn't seen Fede since Saturday and now it was Monday. And by now I knew his moods shifted by the hour. Who knew how he was doing right now?
Safe to say he didn't pick me up for school this morning. Not that I expected him to do that. What surprised me more was that he was at school! He was just there all of a sudden. It was so incredibly strange to me that he decided on his own he would go to school. After everything that happened to him. He just walked in to school with Cedric and a few other mates. They were laughing like nothing had happened before this moment. Like there wasn't a thing wrong in his world.
He was being greeted like a king back in his castle and he seemed totally fine. He was wearing a T-shirts covering the mess underneath and a smile on his face that distracted people from the wound on the side of his head.
He just didn't even notice me standing by my locker with all the attention he was getting. He didn't even think to look for me. He walked right past me like I was air to him.
I had been by his fucking side for three months and on the last day he decided he needed space. Not from people; because he was clearly great with all this attention. No, he needed space from me. He had his grip around me like a baby monkey for three whole months and now he just decided to walk on his own, leaving me by myself. I set aside my own life to help him. God, I would have done anything for him if he asked me to.
I was so mad, so incredibly angry and I never really was angry really at Fede. I just always forgave and made quick excuses for him. But this time my anger was rightfully so. My body was filled with so much adrenaline. I felt a rage inside of me. Seeing Fede ignore my existence made my blood boil. Enjoying the girls caring over his scars. Him, smiling at them made me feel a type of way. I was jealous. Like they had once visited him in the hospital. Like they really cared about him.
I slammed my locker with force; so loud people actually noticed me in the crowded hallway. I didn't thing about it and acted out of anger. But why would I care if someone heard me? I turned my back to my locker as I walked through the hallway.
I walked to my first class, by myself. I passed Fede and saw him look at me in the corner of my eye. I didn't look at him but I knew he could tell I was angry.
He called out my name. 'Jade!'. I just kept walking because I was ready to kick him in his nuts. Or just push him really hard. I don't know; I never fought before but there was a first time for everything.
Maybe I needed to calm down a little. My emotions were taking over and I wasn't thinking clear. 'JADE!'. He repeated my name a little louder; his voice urgent. I stopped walking as I finally turned my head.
He looked confused but he wasn't a dumb guy; he knew I was angry. Maybe that was what surprised him. I was never angry at him. But even I had my limit and this was it. I didn't like being anyone's fool. Especially not to someone I thought I could trust.
He thought he could just ignore me and cast me aside until he needed me again; probably for some raunchy sex or a shoulder to cry on. He could cry on someone else's shoulder from now on. 'What do you want?'. I hissed at him. If he was still wondering if I was angry, he certainly knew it now. 'What do I want?'. He repeated my question in confusion. Maybe he really was dumb? 'What the fuck are you slamming your locker for?'. He asked me, pointing at the lockers. 'Are you mad at me for something?'. His friends around him making this whole encounter more uncomfortable. The girls hovering around him likes bees on honey; rolling their eyes at me. In this moment I couldn't care less about what they thought off me. 'Please don't mind me. I can see your really busy being an egoistic asshole Fede. Have fun acting like your fine'. I yelled at him in anger. Cedric eyes got big as he stood behind Fede. Shocked that I did dare to talk to him like that. What was he going to do? Break my nose?
I could see that Fede was ready to explode but I left him soaking in his anger as I turned around and stormed off.
God, it felt good to be mean but it also felt so wrong almost immediately after I yelled at him.
He went to so much; but so, did I. And it didn't justify him gosthing me for two days.
I walked in to the girl's bathroom and looked in the mirror; all I saw was a ghost. I looked so tired and ugly. My hair was really fuzzy because the lack of care it had gotten these last days. My skin was covered in red spots, especially around my mouth; I was probably days away from my period. Periods always came when you didn't need them and right now, I could have done without it.
I inhaled deeply and tried calming myself down but the door slammed open and rammed against the bathroom wall. Fede stormed in and threw up his arms. 'What the fuck is the matter with you, Jade? Have you lost your fucking mind?'. He walked up to make eye contact; I was desperately trying to avoid his eyes.
I almost had a heart attack when he barged in. I didn't expect him to follow me in to the lady's bathroom for crying out loud. 'This is the girl bathroom, Fede. Get out now!'. He shook his head and push his hand against the door to make sure neither of us were leaving. 'Hell no. You're telling me why your angry, right now'. I looked at him in disbelief. 'Let's see; You disappeared for almost three days leaving me worried. Just so you can show up at school acting like your king. Like nothing ever happened to you'. He pushed a hand on his forehead out of frustration. 'I told you I needed space. Is that concept so fucking difficult?'. I nodded and brushed him away with my hand. He could have all the space he needed from now on. 'Then have it! Go party with your buddies like you didn't almost fucking die'. He slammed his fist against the sink. 'That's the whole point, Jade. Every time I look at you, I get reminded by all the pain because you know fucking everything! I don't want to think about the fact that I almost fucking died. Or how I look like a melted doll. I just want to forget. All of it. But all you want to do is talk about my fucking feelings. I'm not that person and I'll never be that person, Jade'. He was getting pissed now but I was already there. 'And that's my fault Fede? I can't change who I am for you. This is who I am and I never forced you to be friends with me. Or fuck me for that matter. You had no one when you got hurt. Should I have just let you rot away on your own? Every time you cried; I was there Fede, to comfort you. trying so desperately to be what you needed. From beginning to end because that's what friend do. And now you cast me aside like I'm trash. Well fuck you. Go fuck yourself!'. He stopped talking for a second and I needed to catch my breath from shouting at him.
He looked at me and shook his head. I could see this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to fight with me. But he should have thought about that earlier. 'Jade, I just need some time to readjust. Figure out how my life is going to look; if I can stay in this town with every fucking eye on me. It is not your fault I know that'. What the fuck did he just say? 'Your leaving?'. He shrugged his shoulders like it really was a possibility. 'I have no fucking clue what I'm doing or going to do, can't you see that?'. I grabbed my backpack and walked towards the door. 'Well, figure it out own your own. You're a big fucking boy'. I slapped his hand of the door and pulled the door open.
I got surprised by a bunch of people just standing there around the bathroom door; Listening to our fight. That had probably been loud enough for them to hear clearly. 'Jade, I am still your friend. Just calm down; I didn't mean-'. Fede got out of the bathroom and just stared at the people watching us. He stopped his sentence midway.
I walked through the crowd; not towards my next class but to the exit. Fede walked behind me and as we got out of the school, he grabbed me by my arm. 'Just stop being angry with me for one fucking second, please'. I pulled him of me as I walked toward my bike and unlocked it as quickly as possible. He held my bike and stopped it from moving. 'Jade, come on now!'. He begged now. I looked at him; my eyes were starting to well up. 'Just calm down for a second, okay? I make mistakes too but that doesn't mean I'm not your friend'. I just looked at him and sniffed up my sadness. I hated myself for crying when all I wanted to be was angry with him. 'Feddy, if you wanted me to act normal. You could have just said so. We would have gone swimming and eat a whole watermelon. You didn't have to ghost me all weekend'. He held my hand and squeezed it softly. 'Jade, all I think about is forgetting. But all night my mind is going to that fucking house. It's like I'm burning all over again. I think I'm losing my mind. I didn't mean to make you feel like this; I love you'. I didn't find pleasure in his pain. He didn't need to be sad for me to feel better. I didn't wish he would need me. I just wanted my friend in any way possible. 'I don't know what to do Fed? Do you want my support? do you want to be friend? And do you want me to act like everything is fine although your clearly not okay?'. He shook his head and grabbed me by my arms. 'Jade, I want you to be my friend; you're the only person in this whole fucking world I got as a friend'. I thought about the people in that hallway lurking around him. He didn't consider them as friend? Not even Cedric and the rest of those guys that were always with him in school? 'Maybe, we don't have to figure it all out in a day Feddy. Maybe some things just take adjusting and with time we'll figure the rest out'. He nodded and took in a deep breath. 'Just don't be angry with me. Your never angry with me'. He sounded stressed by my anger. I smiled; serves him right. 'Well normally you don't act like an asshole'. Now he was laughing. 'Come on; lock your bike. You have school and I have to pretend like I'm fine'. I nodded and did what he said. 'Sorry, everyone heard us talking about you being a melted doll'. We walked towards the school as he wrapped his arm around me. 'You're still hotter than anyone else around here; just hold on to that'. He kissed my temple. 'It's alright; unless I stop swimming, they will al see me eventually without a shirt. Nothing I can do about it now'. I nodded and leaned my head against his body. 'Wait'. I stopped walking when I suddenly remembered what he had yelled to me in anger. 'Are you really thinking of leaving?'. He looked guilty and nodded. 'Yes, and I know you don't like that. But maybe that's what's for the best. A fresh start; I'm almost done with school and I need to figure out what I'm going to do next'. I tried really hard not to be selfish right now. This was his life and he needed to live it in a way that seemed to fit him. Maybe that really was what he needed; It just wasn't what I wanted. But it wasn't my life.
I could understand where he was coming from. 'Where would you go?'. He shrugged his shoulders and thought about it. 'Some place sunny; where I can surf all day. Maybe I take a gap year and just work on the side for a while'. I sighted. 'Sound nice, I'll definitely miss you. But you deserve to do something that is just for you. You always had to keep your head just above the water with your dad. Maybe this is what you need'. He smiled; he looked happy when I told him that. Like he was waiting for my approval. Only now he allowed himself to look happy about leaving this town. 'What place would you go to if you ever left this town?'. He asked me. We stayed outside the school; eventually just sitting down on the stone steps. 'Spain; on the coast just right next to France. There are nice beaches, good food and fun parties. That would be my favourite place to go'. He looked surprised. 'You've been to Spain?'. I nodded and smiled. 'Once, but I was still very young. But I have been looking at universities outside the country lately and Barcelona has an amazing one'. He nodded. 'Maybe I would go to Spain; that way we will get to see each other'. I smiled; I could see us on a beach getting gorgeously tan. 'You have enough money to move?'. I asked him. 'No, but in a little I will. Turns out when you almost get killed and survive it. You get a shitload of money from the state'. I frowned; I couldn't be happy about that. 'I rather have had you poor and happy'. He looked at me and seemed like he was about to say something important. 'Jade, ever since my dad decided to be a drunk; I haven't been really happy. I'm just really good at faking it'. I nodded and touched his chin. 'I know Feddy. Believe it or not but I'm good at giving you space; that's how we stayed friends all this time and that's how We'll get through this'. He smiled and leaned in to me. 'Can I give you a kiss?'. He asked. I leaned in to him as he gave me one really, really good kiss. 'We'll be friend forever; even if one of us isn't always around. We'll get old together and look back at our lives together with a smile. Promise me Jade'. With a kiss I happily sealed that promise.