Addictive minds (18+)

Ready

I said goodbye to jade and in the meantime she had been pregnant. She sends me pictures of her belly where even if i looked really hard couldn't see anything pregnant. I still liked the pictures. But on the last picture i did; just a little bump. Her normally flat belly had a bump. Something grew in her, something she and i had created. Or she could have eaten a lot for diner, really, i looked like that after every meal before i took a shit. Ten weeks went slowly when you were somewhere you didn't want to be. There was only one place in the world in wanted to be; wherever Jade was. The first week was mostly filled with the fact that i was homesick. I just wanted to go home to Jade and lay next to her naked body all day, be as closely as possible to her.

Alcohol was really kicked to the curb in here, of course. But just a week without drinking myself and probably other alcoholics could oversee. I was so in my head, thinking about Jade the thought of booze went sort of unnoticed. Plus, they tried keeping you pretty busy in here so your mind wouldn't wander. Somewhere within the first week i asked myself if i was even an alcoholic. I thought i was doing pretty well.

But it was just a day after the first week were the monster in my head turned against me. It decided it needed a drink. I had let the people there know how i felt and then the withdrawal really started; I wasn't my upbeat self anymore and got really agitated. On day fifteen i really cracked. They told me to join the stupid group talk and i just refused to go. In retrospect, i didn't think they were pushing me to go. But i still felt like i was being pushed so i snapped and wrecked the joined living room until there was no vase left intact. They had to give me a tranquilizer of some sort to calm me down. I wondered if this was how i acted when i was really drunk. People told me i could get really nasty when i was drunk. But figures, i could be like that when i had no drink either. I was nasty, and while i was like that i realized i was nasty. But i didn't care. I wanted to drink and these people held me away from what i wanted. It didn't matter who was in front of me. The biggest dude or the sweetest woman possible. I remembered that in the heat of the moment i called an overweight woman that worked there a fat bitch and i even felt proud of it when i saw her face drop. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to hurt them like i was hurting from inside. The feeling of withdrawal was so heavy i wanted to crawl my own eyes out or slid my wrists. This all answered my earlier question; i was definitely addicted to alcohol. This lasted me probably until week four and i only calmed myself down because i was exhausted of fighting and wrecking stuff. My throat was painful from screaming and yelling and my knuckles were battered from punching walls.
So, for me the next stage of rehab had started. I just shut myself off from the world. I really didn't want to talk to any psychiatrist although they came by my room multiple times a day to check up on me. They probably worried i was depressed and were scared i would actually kill myself. I was just in bed the whole time, with the curtains closed and my face underneath the blankets. I probably was depressed, i felt like a dog whose bone got taken from them. And now i didn't know how to act. The thought of doing simple things felt impossible. I didn't eat, talk or walk. They had to force me to use the toilet. I wondered what would happen if just peed in my bed. I was just tired, i was too tired to do anything. I remembered my shoulder feeling numb from laying too long on one side and not being able to turn around and move positions. I just couldn't move myself. I even didn't feel like talking to Jade and that made me feel even worse. Even in my stage of anger i still talked to her, finding the strength to be nice to her. But this stage was worse. I rather be angry. I felt like wanted to die but i was already dead, stuck in the middle.

Forty-two days passed and i got out of my room. I even had my first group talk with one of the psychiatrists there as well. She was dusty and old. She looked so dried up camels probably followed her home. I got annoyed even looking at her for absolutely no reason, she had not even said a word and i already felt some sort of hate towards her. Stupid woman trying to poke through me, digging in to my private life. I really fucking hated those group chats and had never said a word in them. If i even went to the chats. I never even said my name.