Addictive minds (18+)

Goodbye

I just said it out loud; 'You can't be pregnant; I'm going to rehab in a few days!'. After we went through the pharmacy like two crazy people i biked home so fast my airway was probably somewhere still laying by the side of the road; i was so out of breath.
Jade was sitting on the toilet of the hotel bathroom. Her panties down hanging around her ankles. The pregnancy test in her shaky hands; she peed over it and now held the stick in her hand staring at it, waiting for an answer. 'I know Fede, don't you think I haven't thought about it? It isn't in my control what that stick says, so stop freaking me out!'. She yelled at me. Maybe i had been a little too practical and emotionally dead since this unfolded.
She was the one that might have a baby in her body. God, I couldn't imagine what this was like for her. This must be so frightening. Suddenly guilt hit me hard. 'Sorry, your right. Jade, we'll figure it out, we always do'. She looked at the stick and nodded slowly. 'Great, because this thing says I'm pregnant'. It became really still in the bathroom as she handed me her pregnancy test, two stripes.

This was happening.

This morning we talked about babies like it was in a faraway future. We felt kind of chilled talking about something so far away still. Not knowing it was right at our doorstep. 'You're pregnant'. I said in disbelief, i looked at her and i figured i was in shock. The thought of me having a baby in this stage of my life seemed so irresponsible and frankly impossible to imagine. 'Fede, if this is too much. I understand, you don't have to feel responsible for this'. I got confused by her saying that. Did me being shocked really come over as if I didn't want anything to do with this. 'What are you trying to say?'. I said a little offended by her reaction, she got space to feel her nerves or panic; why couldn't I? 'I mean, if you don't want to be a dad you don't have too. I know you didn't want this yet and you have a lot on your plate'. I shook my head in disbelief. What kind of asshole did she think i was?
I've been off alcohol for a few days now and it went better than i thought. But, now that something like this happened i felt the strong urge to drink again. The feeling kept nagging me. I wouldn't but i knew how my personality could shift when i told myself I couldn't drink my troubles away. I tried calming myself down before i spoke. Taking a deep breath in but as i spoke my words still sounded annoyed by her lack of trust.
'Neither did you, Jade! You think i would let you do this by yourself? Leave you because your pregnant? Have you lost your mind? Jade we both are at fault here, i would never do that to you or my child'. She pressed her hand on her belly and looked at it. I thought she would have been saddened by my words but somehow, she looked relieved. She needed to hear me say it. I would not leave her when she needed me the most. 'We forget a condom once and get pregnant, I know how it work but fuck!'. I laughed softly and took her hand in mine. 'It's going to be okay, Jade'. I whispered into her hand that were folded together in between mine; softly kissing the skin on her fingers. 'But tomorrow you'll be gone'. She whispered back; i felt all the pain through her words. She would be all alone. 'I promise I'll come back a better man'. She smiled at me and nodded, wiping away a tear that had escaped. 'You did so well today Fede. You were so strong when you said no to that drink. I know you can do it when you stay determined'. I nodded and sat down on the bathroom floor across from her. 'It's not just us now Jady. We'll be better parents than the ones that have hurt us'. That was a promise to the child that had begun to form in her belly. I wouldn't fuck up my child.
She nodded slowly as her eyes fell down. 'I will miss you so much, Feddy'. She spoke. We both knew i was leaving from the beginning. Sometimes the thought of it was barely there. Sometimes it was the only thing i could think about. And now, it hit me like a fucking train. Especially now she must need me more than ever. Right there and then i could cry.
She had no idea how difficult it was for me to leave her. It went in to all my natural instincts. I wanted to straddle her and tell her a million times over it will be alright. I wanted to place a million kisses on her until that baby was born and safe in our arms. I wanted to fly her back to Spain and tuck her in to bed, make her something i could actually cook. I wanted to do anything to make her feel better. But i knew that if i wanted to really help her, long-term. I should leave and get myself in check.
Since I arrived here i had felt more myself than i had felt in a long time. This place brought back every memory, good and bad and I felt them all. It made me feel alive. Not like a zombie version of myself. It made it that much harder to leave. I don't want to leave.

Jade decided to stay with her dad for just a few days after i would leave. Then she would fly back to Spain. I paid for the other flights but she probably didn't even notice it. Now that i had to make sure she had her flight ticket booked in advance since she would fly alone, she was refusing me to pay for it. Eventually i won the discussion and booked her a flight. It really was a discussion. This girl sometimes was a pain in my ass. I just didn't want her to worry about anything after i left and feel like she had to do it all by herself. The things i could do to make everything a little easier i would do.
I gave her my house keys; she could stay there if she felt like it but she probably wouldn't since it was really big and empty without anyone in it. I knew she had been pregnant for only a week but I didn't get why she would choose a dorm room over an actual house.
We went to the doctor just hours before i left, he said it was unlikely to be nauseous this fast after getting pregnant. But the proof was there, she was pregnant and definitely hadn't been sleeping with anyone else. That baby was ours and i was okay with that. In a few years we would probably have wished for a baby. So, the process was just speeded up a little. While I couldn't yet really fathom that i was going to be a dad and she would be the mother of my child; i still felt excited.

But first came the hard part, at least for now it felt like the hardest thing in the world. I stood there by my car ready to leave her and the baby growing in her belly. It felt wrong on every level to leave while she must be struggling in her own process of becoming a mother in nine months. I felt this heavy weight on my shoulder while i looked at her; not ready to say goodbye. I wished i could say; 'it's fine, I won't drink so i can stay right here'. But that would be a lie. And i promised myself and more important, her, that i would never lie to her. I had to do this so i could give her a good life. 'I really don't want to go'. I don't know why i said that, the plan was solid; i was definitely going. It was just how i felt, i wished i could put her in my suitcase and take her with me. 'But you need to go'. She said softly, she was feeling emotional just like me.
She was standing in front of me in a blue dress, it was a lovely dress. The soft baby blue made her tanned skin look like caramel while it danced around her hips. I loved this dress and then i decided that this would be my favourite dress of hers. It made her look like a princess and to me she really was one. 'You look really nice today'. I told her to lighten our moods. She smiled at me as her cheeks turned pink. 'I fucking love you Fede'. She sighed as she buried her body against mine. Our hug was so tight it felt like we were melting together. We probably stood there for almost ten minutes; not one of u willing to let go. I love you too.