Addictive minds (18+)

Forget

Five years later.
Big jump, I know; And a lot happened too. Most of it was great and some of it I couldn't help but wanting to forget. Fede did leave like I knew he would. That day at school when we got into a fight, I knew he had been serious.
And I did stay in the town that seemed to be getting slower by the day, especially after Fede left. I had still a year of high school to survive while he was free; out in to the world.
He left right after graduation; he did get his diploma. I felt proud about him getting his diploma. I wasn't even that proud when I got my own diploma handed to me. I worked my ass of for it but he fought for his life while getting his.
The moment they handed him his diploma he was off in to the world; like a bullet in someone's gun. He was in a rush to leave this place and forget about everything that happened here. I didn't blame him for wanting to forget. He tried being okay but the more he tried the harder it seemed to backfire. Fede had been struggling the moment he got burned and even before that his life had been a mess.
With us it was the same vicious cycle; we just kept going round and round. Being friend with a little extra. Every moment alone we took with both hands. After sex their came the endless discussion and fighting. We fought a lot; about things that did matter and then about stupid little things we got annoyed over. Eventually it was just shouting until one of us got tired and gave up; then it was back to fucking like nothing ever happened. Neither of us ever truly happy. We became each other's poison.
We weren't ever resolving things like we had always done before. We were ignoring things until the thing explodes between us. The harder he pushed me away the more I grabbed on to him. And the harder I shouted the more he cried about it.
It wasn't all bad of course; nothing ever is. If it was, then it would have been easy to let him go. Between the bad was so much good still. There were moment I couldn't stop laughing. Only he could make me laugh like that. And he could only be himself around me. The way he felt comfort in my embrace was something special to him. But eventually the good didn't weighed up against the bad. Our friendship was just tired; worn out like a pair of old shoes.
Fede partied a lot before he left; and I mean a lot. It was a miracle he graduated. Most of the time he was hangover in class or puking his brain out in to a toilet. By that time, we also didn't sleep together anymore since he was skipping classes to fuck girls in the bathroom; he was even expelled for it one time. We never were exclusive but I wasn't going to sleep with him between one of his other lays. And I knew he didn't sit still when I wasn't around. I was happy he never lied about it. That's one thing we never did; even at our worst.
I was still his friend but it just all felt too heavy. Our friendship wasn't without thinking anymore. We weren't carefree kids running around in the shed; playing hide and seek.
He still adored me to my core and I still felt my skin shiver when he looked at me. But he had been right; he was losing his mind slowly and I couldn't seem to help him. He kept saying he needed an escape so after graduation he went for it. I missed him but the first week I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time in months. He booked a plane ticket and went off in to the world. He went to Spain like we talked about. He was at my dream destination but somehow the country seemed different with him in it. I had imagined for myself what things I would do there; I would go see the museums and the big church that they had been working on for so long and still wasn't finished. But Fede had no interested in sightseeing. It felt more like a decor then a beautiful city because he was too busy to see its beauty.
We kept in touch the first week. He used to tell me about the things he did and the friends he made. I didn't have to worry about him being alone since he never had trouble fitting in like I had. He was like a magnet; drawing people towards him. He could be very charming when he chose to be. I wonder if they would still be there the moment he wasn't that charming boy.

On the phone he forgot to tell me about the fact that he was drunk most of the times. By now I knew he was good in faking it but sometimes I could almost smell the booze through the phone. His sentences were slowly built; his word slurring and sometimes forgetting what we were talking about. I didn't want to mentioned it because he wanted me to think he was completely fine of course; like he always wanted. But the relieve I had felt when he left was destroyed by the constant worrying every time, I hanged up the phone. Worrying he would hurt himself while being intoxicated.
I confronted him once when I couldn't follow a word he was saying. He told me he had been to a party with his new friends and was indeed a little drunk. A little. He acted like it was nothing, brushed it of to be a normal thing to get drunk sometimes. He forgot to tell me how often he went to these parties and drowned himself in alcohol. I couldn't do anything to help him. My dad told me you couldn't help someone who didn't want your help. So, after one week our conversation grown scale. He never called me and eventually I stopped calling him; remembering my dad's advice.
He was somewhere figuring it all out like he told me he would. He was either avoiding or facing his demons but he had to do that on his own without me trying to keep him safe.
I needed the space to; to focus more on myself. I had been so distracted with everything that was going on. I accidentally forgot about taking care of my own life. I had skipped more classes in one year than I had ever missed in my entire life. Not to mention the lack of studying and as a result; bad grades. I had to work really hard on school so I could still graduate and go to college.
My dreams and ambitions shifted these last years. I no longer fit the need to become a lawyer. Maybe I never even wanted to be one in the first place. It just sounded fancy and like a big accomplishment. The idea of defending people like Fede's dad or just being with someone like him in the same room turned my guts around. That wasn't my dream.
So last minute; a year after Fede not being around to help me make any decisions, I changed my mind. It was time to work on building me up for a change. Fede might have his flaws but I wasn't flawless either. I needed to grow in to a stronger human being. Someone who didn't question everything she did and wasn't afraid of failure. So being authentically me I did something bold; I did go to Barcelona on my own. Not for law, not for Fede but for myself. A year after Fede I booked a plane ticket and went off in to the world i followed.
I hadn't been on a plane for years and could still remember my fear as I sat in that plane alone.
My poor old man cried his eyeballs out and protested heavily up until I went through the airport gate. He hated me leaving but he was also proud. And he knew I was shitting bricks so he had to support me; even as the plane took off, I wondered if I made a mistake. I traded the safety of the town I grew up in for a massive city. I had no clue what to do. I had no friend there. I had the coordination of a turtle so I was definitely going to get lost. Not to mention; I didn't speak Spanish. Not a word.

Now, five years later; I can say it was the best decision I have ever made for myself. And it made me stronger to a point where I felt like steel. That feeling didn't just come up the moment I sat food on sunny Spain. I might be happy now but those first few weeks I never felt more alone in my life. When I arrived, I had still two weeks off from school. So, I was by myself; wondering how to make friends in a country that didn't understand me. After a week I couldn't deny how homesick I felt when I called my dad to act like I was fine. When I hanged up the phone it made me physically sick from anxiety. How did Fede do this?
While I hadn't been this close to Fede in years I still wasn't calling him; I thought of calling Fede a million times. Even if we hadn't spoken in a long time. I knew he would be nice to me if I called him. He wasn't the type of guy that would snarl; 'why are you calling me?'. But I feared deep down he didn't want to speak with me and would act happy to hear from me. I didn't want his pitying. So, I never called; just like that.

Honestly, I didn't even know if I still had the right number if I decided to call. Fede just disappeared from planet earth it seemed and I didn't think he wanted to speak with anyone from his past.
We grew apart and I was slowly coming to accept that. The moment I accepted that I felt free. Free for more; just more! More time for myself, time for building my new life and finally doing something without leaning on anyone else. And with that in mind I eventually made new friends; really good friends even. I created friendships with people coming from all sort of places around the world. Realizing I wasn't the only one trying to escape the past and creating a new future.
Steady I found life away from home getting easier and with everyday passing it felt more like my actual home than a place I just slept in. While doing the full-time college thing; living on campus and keeping the grades up. I worked my ass off in bars and restaurant. Just to pay my room and have a little fun when I had time in between studying and work.
It was as dreamy as I had hoped it would be.
The beached and the noises you heard around you from people having calming conversation in their language. I missed the moment on the beach when I didn't understand a word in Spanish. Now I caught myself listening to stories about politics and vegetables that were in season.

I no longer was this 16-year-old girl; not even at the beginning of adulthood but so desperately trying to be one. Now I could accept things not going my way. And with every door closing one opened. My problems from when I was younger seemed so far away. Those bad grades I worried about seemed so unimportant; I would catch those up in a breath. Girls and boys being judgemental toward me for living; they would just get flipped of by my middle finger right now before I turned my back on them. Why was I going to care about them?
One thing that always staid was the thought of Fede; wishing he would be fine and that he had figured it out somehow. Sometimes I wished to have bumped in to him on the busy streets; would he walk past me without recognizing me now? Wherever he was; I wasn't.
Honestly, I wouldn't have known how to act if I did see him. That boy was my past and like me he had probably changed a lot. Maybe he wasn't even in Spain anymore? I wasn't a stalker but I did check social media a few times; trouble was, Fede didn't. He never posted a thing so I just got lost in old pictures of him. Looking young and happy. He had one picture of us still up on his page; It was us at the lake. I remember the picture being taken by Inola one afternoon. I was sitting cross legged on my towel between Fede's long legs. He leaned back on his arms as I had a big smile and my eyes closed. It was a silly picture with Feddy sticking out his tongue. I loved that picture; I had it hanging on the wall somewhere in my room back home.
Back then I didn't even realize how much we must have looked like a couple. Only later I could see how much we resembled a couple. For us it was just normal. We were so extremely close; clinging on to each other. Me trying to keep him on track and him getting jealous when the wrong boys looked at me. I had always been fine with just being friends. I didn't need a label to begin with. I didn't long for him to be my boyfriend like other girls did. I didn't care with whom he hanged out with.
After the accident he slept around with anything that possessed a heartbeat and it didn't even bother me that much. I was perfectly fine with that; I just stopped sleeping with him when he did. He had been perfectly clear the first time we slept together. Just sex, no relationship and always being friends first. And that's all that I wished he would have been when he left. I wished he was still my friend.