suicidal pop star | eren x reader (modern AU)

chapter 40

He's dead.

It wasn't real. You saw him. He was right in front of you.

Wake up, y/n. This isn't real. Wake up.

You tried. It didn't work.

"Y/n? You there? Please stay on the line," Historia screamed over the phone. "Y/n? Please say something," She sobbed. You mindlessly picked up the phone, eyes still on the TV, showing a slideshow of Eren's pictures, making your heart ache even more.

His eyes, the ones you loved, were staring right back at you on the big screen. Tears filled your eyes until you couldn't see anymore. Everything became blurry as you felt your heart get heavier, closing your eyelids as you fell backward onto the couch.

"Today we are here to remember the late Eren Jaeger, my little brother," The blonde man you've never met before stood behind the podium, speaking to the other forty-something people in the room. His name was Zeke, Eren's older half-brother. Eren spoke a lot about him, but you never met him before.

It was sad that you met Zeke without his brother being the one to introduce you two.

After Zeke said his words, Mikasa and Armin got on stage to speak about their best friend. "Eren was like my brother," Armin said into the mic, trying to hold back his tears. "I met him when we were about 6, maybe. A few kids were bullying me and he helped me up. Since then, I've always stood next to him. We spent hours wandering the city and he was always so interested in listening to my rants about seeing the o-ocean, I- I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore," Armin ran back to his seat, sobbing silently as Mikasa frowned.

"After my parents died," Mikasa started to speak. She was a stoic person, but today was one of the few days you saw her emotions. Tears filled her eyes as dried tear stains were on her face. "Eren helped me get through it. He always encouraged me to be strong, he saved me. When his parents died, our bond only got closer," She stopped, wiping a few tears. "He was my family. And now he's gone," She whispered, covering her mouth. She went and sat next to Armin, patting his back as he continued to cry. Mikasa was never one to talk a lot, but in those few words she said, there was more emotion than ever.

It was your turn to give your speech.

Your mind was blank as you walked up to the podium and looked at all your friends and Eren's staff workers sitting in their seats, crying. You noticed that there were a few cameras and cameramen in the back of the room, recording his funeral. That's weird, you thought. But Eren was a huge public figure, so it was expected for his funeral to be public too.

You turned around to see the many pictures of Eren placed on the table. Pictures of his mother carrying him as a child, pictures of him smiling as a kid, pictures of him, Mikasa, and Armin, and a picture of him and you.

More tears fell from your eyes as you turned back around, facing the audience again. "Eren was very special to me," You started to say. "He treated me very well. He always made sure I was okay, wiped my tears, made me food, took me to all the places I've ever wanted to go to," You sighed, remembering the time you spent in Hawaii, playing in the water, walking around a volcano, threatening to push him in. 

You smiled as a tear rolled down your face. "Eren had a big heart. He was the most selfless person I knew. No matter what he was going through, he would never let it show. He would always make sure his friends were okay," You said, looking at your group of friends.

"Eren was also an extremely hardworking person. He constantly worked day and night to make the best music for his fans. He was so grateful for the love he received," You looked at the camera, addressing his fans. "I wish I could tell him that I love him one more time," You whispered, looking at his closed casket. You started sobbing as you walked back to your seat, wiping your tears as Sasha rubbed your back. You looked at her as she cried too, and you turned to face her and wrapped your arms around her. "I'm sorry," You told her. She shook her head and chuckled.

"Why are you apologizing?" She whispered.

"I saw him that day," You told her. "But I ran out before he could say something," 

"Oh, my love," Sasha frowned. "It's not your fault," She held your hand.

"What if-"

"No what-ifs. You couldn't have known," She rubbed your arm as you continued to cry into her shoulder.

"I love him," You cried.

"I know, I know," She caressed your hair softly, comforting you more than you thought it would. "He loved you too,"

Loved. There was nothing you could do anymore. There was no bumping into him somewhere, catching up, and falling in love again. No more catching glimpses at him at parties. No more gifts from him.

Speaking of gifts, the letter.

After the funeral was over, you rushed back home and emptied out your closet until you found the box that Eren gave you. You quickly opened it and searched through for the letter you hadn't opened.

Found it.

Your hands trembled as you slowly took the envelope out of the box. You looked at Eren's slightly messy handwriting, tearing up as you opened up the letter. You unfolded the letter, eyes widening at the first few words on the paper. You covered your mouth, trying not to let tears fall from your eyes.

To my dear Y/n L/n,

My first love. The love of my life. The woman I'll love even after I die. If only we never met, you would be much happier.

I want to tell you what happened.