40. Journal Entry Five of Growing

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Dad

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Dad.

We spoke of you today.

No, it wasn't the family, or Mom. It wasn't Jenna because she doesn't come back till tomorrow.

Aura and I spoke of you today.

It's easy to talk about you with her.

She doesn't walk on eggshells around me with regards to you.

Today, I spoke of you.

And she listened.

And it felt like a load was being lifted off my chest.

Then, she did this wonderful thing.

She put the tips of her fingers to the corner of my mouth and told me that I have your smile.

In that moment, I felt this overwhelming rush of emotions towards her; too many for me to put a finger on. Everything from relief, to thankfulness and happiness and so many other things.

I don't think she will ever understand what that statement did for me, but maybe, I'll have my entire lifetime to repay her for the feeling.

It's like I'm the Grinch, but instead of Christmas, she's the one who makes my heart grow.

Aura and I decided that, considering that she's my sister and Aura's friend, we're going to tell Jenna when she comes home tomorrow.

No doubt she's going to have a permanent smug smile on her face after we do, but she wouldn't be Jenna if she didn't.

Aura and I spoke of more things today.

She told me that she expects open, clear communication – anything that I'm feeling, I have to tell her, regardless of whether I think it'll hurt her feelings or not because she's not willing to sit around and try to solve problems she doesn't know exists. She said she's not interested in relational implosions that could have been avoided by a simple conversation.

I told her, "Aura, I will tell you all my thoughts."

The moment I said it, I realized that I'm already not sticking to my word. I had so many thoughts about her even in that moment, that I was unable to vocalize.

Even she cocked her head at me, smiling, when I told her that. She looked a bit dubious.

"All of them, El?" she asked me, "That's so many thoughts."

"Alright," I agreed, "The important ones. Sometimes the not important ones."

She shook her head. "No, tell me all the thoughts you want to tell me. Sometimes, tell me all the thoughts you have to tell me. I'm not interested in just the good day thoughts. I also want all the bad day thoughts. Those might be more important."

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